Thankful for Mommy....and Daddy and brothers and sister and Jesus and....so many who have prayed for and held our little family up during this last year. God is faithful, and He gets the glory in our hearts today.
Showing posts with label Twins. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twins. Show all posts
Friday, November 29, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Grace and Tears
I've been doing a lot of thinking about baby Aaron recently. The grief ebbs and flows, of course, and I feel myself heading into an ebb.
Or is it a flow?
Either, way...it was just about a year ago that we got pregnant, and unbeknownst to us, the God of the universe was forming two babies from one fertilized, microscopic egg.
A miracle. Two miracles. TWO miracles. We had been hoping to be pregnant for months by this point last year, but month after month, cycle after cycle, the answer was no.
And then.....our gifts.
I'm a sentimental girl, so it's no surprise that my heart is venturing to the place of remember.
And even in that place, He is there, so I go with grace and tears and The God Who Sees.
Or is it a flow?
Either, way...it was just about a year ago that we got pregnant, and unbeknownst to us, the God of the universe was forming two babies from one fertilized, microscopic egg.
A miracle. Two miracles. TWO miracles. We had been hoping to be pregnant for months by this point last year, but month after month, cycle after cycle, the answer was no.
And then.....our gifts.
I'm a sentimental girl, so it's no surprise that my heart is venturing to the place of remember.
And even in that place, He is there, so I go with grace and tears and The God Who Sees.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Caringbridge - Baby Day, Part 1
Tonight's the night. The night I force the words out of my heart and onto the paper. There will never be a perfect time, a time when there are no other distractions and life slows down enough to just think. and. breathe. and. remember. Not unless I just make it happen. So tonight...
<think. breathe. remember.>
I barely slept. Nearly two hours of working to get my wedding ring off followed by finally packing my hospital bag and checking the last few things off the list led to about a hundred minutes of sleep.
I haven't put my rings back on. My ring finger is still traumatized from all the Windex.
But really, who can think of sleep when the alarm goes off on the morning of a planned c-section? The clock alarm--Beeeeeeep, beeeeeep, beeeeeep. The heart alarm--"It's baby day, the day you will meet your babies." There's no snooze button on the heart alarm....once the heart is awakened, there's no going back.
Hoffbeast was, as usual, a happy little fleet manager and had the car all ready for the ride to the hospital. We drove our Escort, the same little car we drove to the hospital on the Fourth of July back in 2002 when Rex was on his way into our arms. We drove and laughed and videoed and hoped....the day was finally here.
People have asked how the day of delivery went. It was beautiful....and sad....but mostly beautiful. God was so evident in His presence, and I am grateful--I will always be so grateful.
I had become quite apprehensive about the surgery by the time the day actually came, both because of what I knew--I had had three c-sections already--and because of what I didn't know--would Aaron's body be there? would Bart's heart be as healthy as we had hoped? would there be any more complications waiting around the corner?
And it went amazingly well. Really.
One of the best parts about the day was our anesthesiologist. We had had a bad experience with the anesthesiologist on the day of Beth's birth, and I was so hoping that that would not be repeated. It was the complete opposite. Dr. T was kind and compassionate and sensitive to my needs, including the need to have both my husband and my friend in the room with me. When we asked, she said yes, and the result was both some amazing pictures of Bart's birth and the reality that I never had to be alone...even when daddy walked away to be with baby, Andrea was able to stay right there with me. And while my husband was wiping my tears and calming my nerves, Andrea was checking on Bart and continuing to capture the moments on film.
My doctors...I just can't say enough about them. Dr. D and Dr. M both performed my surgeries with Hunt, Beth, and now Bart & Aaron. I feel like they are part of our family, and the comfort I felt with them there cannot be overstated. Of course I was still nervous. But I knew, too, that they would take the absolute best care of me possible.
These were, after all, the two doctors that God had handpicked back in 2004 to be the doctors who would perform my life-saving operation after Hunt had gone to be with Jesus. He knew long before I ever did how much I would need their exact expertise and know-how, and He put them there at the hospital that morning. They cared for me back then, and it hasn't changed since. On July 24, they were the right people again...I am so thankful.
Dr. D asked me where Bart's given name came from. Right there in the OR, we were able to point to the book of Ruth, to the Christ-figure who pointed to the real Kinsman-Redeemer who would come after him.
Thank you, Jesus....for your love for our boys and our whole family. You didn't have to give us these gifts, but you did. Aaron was with us for a short time, but his little heart has changed mine. It pointed me again to my need for You and has glorified you in ways I won't know this side of Heaven. And Bart....this sweet little baby who coos and breathes and baby-snores right next to me now....you have shown me your grace again in the way of this precious-beyond-measure love of my heart.
Why? And again, why? I don't know. But your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts. So I grieve, and I hope, and I cry, and I trust, and I remember, and I joy.
You are good, and your love endures forever.
<think. breathe. remember.>
I barely slept. Nearly two hours of working to get my wedding ring off followed by finally packing my hospital bag and checking the last few things off the list led to about a hundred minutes of sleep.
I haven't put my rings back on. My ring finger is still traumatized from all the Windex.
But really, who can think of sleep when the alarm goes off on the morning of a planned c-section? The clock alarm--Beeeeeeep, beeeeeep, beeeeeep. The heart alarm--"It's baby day, the day you will meet your babies." There's no snooze button on the heart alarm....once the heart is awakened, there's no going back.
Hoffbeast was, as usual, a happy little fleet manager and had the car all ready for the ride to the hospital. We drove our Escort, the same little car we drove to the hospital on the Fourth of July back in 2002 when Rex was on his way into our arms. We drove and laughed and videoed and hoped....the day was finally here.
People have asked how the day of delivery went. It was beautiful....and sad....but mostly beautiful. God was so evident in His presence, and I am grateful--I will always be so grateful.
I had become quite apprehensive about the surgery by the time the day actually came, both because of what I knew--I had had three c-sections already--and because of what I didn't know--would Aaron's body be there? would Bart's heart be as healthy as we had hoped? would there be any more complications waiting around the corner?
And it went amazingly well. Really.
One of the best parts about the day was our anesthesiologist. We had had a bad experience with the anesthesiologist on the day of Beth's birth, and I was so hoping that that would not be repeated. It was the complete opposite. Dr. T was kind and compassionate and sensitive to my needs, including the need to have both my husband and my friend in the room with me. When we asked, she said yes, and the result was both some amazing pictures of Bart's birth and the reality that I never had to be alone...even when daddy walked away to be with baby, Andrea was able to stay right there with me. And while my husband was wiping my tears and calming my nerves, Andrea was checking on Bart and continuing to capture the moments on film.
My doctors...I just can't say enough about them. Dr. D and Dr. M both performed my surgeries with Hunt, Beth, and now Bart & Aaron. I feel like they are part of our family, and the comfort I felt with them there cannot be overstated. Of course I was still nervous. But I knew, too, that they would take the absolute best care of me possible.
These were, after all, the two doctors that God had handpicked back in 2004 to be the doctors who would perform my life-saving operation after Hunt had gone to be with Jesus. He knew long before I ever did how much I would need their exact expertise and know-how, and He put them there at the hospital that morning. They cared for me back then, and it hasn't changed since. On July 24, they were the right people again...I am so thankful.
Dr. D asked me where Bart's given name came from. Right there in the OR, we were able to point to the book of Ruth, to the Christ-figure who pointed to the real Kinsman-Redeemer who would come after him.
Thank you, Jesus....for your love for our boys and our whole family. You didn't have to give us these gifts, but you did. Aaron was with us for a short time, but his little heart has changed mine. It pointed me again to my need for You and has glorified you in ways I won't know this side of Heaven. And Bart....this sweet little baby who coos and breathes and baby-snores right next to me now....you have shown me your grace again in the way of this precious-beyond-measure love of my heart.
Why? And again, why? I don't know. But your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts. So I grieve, and I hope, and I cry, and I trust, and I remember, and I joy.
You are good, and your love endures forever.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Two Months and Counting!
Week after week during my pregnancy, I posted, and you prayed.
Now, Bart is already two months old!!!
There is a near constant pressure to write on here, not because someone is forcing me to, but because I want to. But alas, the life of a mama-to-baby...my days start with many plans and end with me just. too. tired. to get these words that are sitting on the edge of my heart out onto the screen.
Please forgive me. Your prayers and your care deserve more. I know you want the blanks filled in, and believe me, I want to do that. For some reason, it's been hard to write, mostly for the aforementioned reason but probably also because when I tell about the boys' birth, it feels like there is more closure and like I'm saying goodbye all over again.
But I want to go there. I want to tell.
Just not sure when. Please be patient, and I will get the words out in time.
God is faithful. A sure rock we can cling to. I know that full well.
Bart is doing amazingly well! His heart is strong (praise God!), he is growing (a whopping 7 pounds, 15.5 ounces at his 2-month checkup!), and yesterday, he started smiling at us! He is precious beyond measure, and I am astounded at the gift of him.
Thank you for your unending prayers and enduring love for our family...they carried us through. God once again used His people to glorify Himself in our lives...
Until next time, goodnight for now...we love you!
Now, Bart is already two months old!!!
There is a near constant pressure to write on here, not because someone is forcing me to, but because I want to. But alas, the life of a mama-to-baby...my days start with many plans and end with me just. too. tired. to get these words that are sitting on the edge of my heart out onto the screen.
Please forgive me. Your prayers and your care deserve more. I know you want the blanks filled in, and believe me, I want to do that. For some reason, it's been hard to write, mostly for the aforementioned reason but probably also because when I tell about the boys' birth, it feels like there is more closure and like I'm saying goodbye all over again.
But I want to go there. I want to tell.
Just not sure when. Please be patient, and I will get the words out in time.
God is faithful. A sure rock we can cling to. I know that full well.
Bart is doing amazingly well! His heart is strong (praise God!), he is growing (a whopping 7 pounds, 15.5 ounces at his 2-month checkup!), and yesterday, he started smiling at us! He is precious beyond measure, and I am astounded at the gift of him.
Thank you for your unending prayers and enduring love for our family...they carried us through. God once again used His people to glorify Himself in our lives...
Until next time, goodnight for now...we love you!
Friday, August 30, 2013
Their Names Explained...
Greetings, dear friends! I wrote this on August 14 for our monthly prayer letter that we send to our ministry partners, but I have decided to re-post it here, as I'm sure many of you would be interested in knowing how we came up with our twins' names. Enjoy!
Today is a special day, the day that our twin boys were due to be born. As it is, they were delivered 3 weeks early, on July 24, and both are doing well—one in our safe and loving arms, and one in the much safer and even more loving arms of Jesus. We are doing well and adjusting to life with five children, and we are all completely in love with our little Boaz.
Yes, Boaz David Washington Hoffman (still known as "Bart" on this blog) was born on July 24th at 9:47 AM, weighing in at a whopping 5 pounds 10 ounces and measuring 18 inches long! And, as expected for the last several months, our son, Jonathan Omer Lincoln Hoffman (known as "Aaron"), was never able to fully develop and was delivered straight to Heaven. There has been an appropriate mix of joy and sadness, but overall, we are grateful—grateful for our twins, and particularly grateful for Bo’s great health, especially considering where we were six months ago.
As usual we spent a lot of time (some would say too much time!) coming up with our babies’ four names each, but because each has a very special meaning, we want to share them with you:
· Boaz: The name is Hebrew and means, “strength.” As you will recall Boaz was a prominent land owner in the book of Ruth who shows kindness to the young Moabite widow, who had come to Israel with her mother-in-law to find shelter there under the wings of the God of Israel. He was known as a kind, just and generous man and, at potentially great cost to himself, served as her Kinsman-Redeemer. Our prayer for Boaz is that he finds his strength in the God of Israel and grows to be kind, just and generous as he trusts in Christ, our Kinsman-Redeemer.
· David: Another Hebrew name. David means, “beloved.” David, the second and greatest king of Israel, was an immensely talented yet flawed man who trusted in the mercy and grace of God. And as we prayed so much for our boys’ hearts as they were developing in utero, we felt it appropriate to name Boaz after David, a “man after God’s own heart.” Our prayer is that baby Bo would be a man after God’s own heart and look to His mercy and grace as he grows. In addition, David is the middle name of Sarah’s maternal grandfather.
· Washington: So many great Washingtons to choose from, so we choose three! First, George, our first president. He was known as capable, courageous and humble. Second, George Washington Carver. Born to slave parents, through diligent hard work and study he became one of America’s greatest inventors, yet he remained humble to the core, acknowledging Christ as the true genius in all his discoveries. Third, Booker T. Washington, legendary educator, founder and first president of Tuskegee Institute and, most importantly, a committed follower of Christ. We pray for Boaz that he grows to be capable, courageous and humble with a love for learning that reveals to him the author of all truth and the greatness of the Creator of all things.
· Hoffman: We don’t know of any world renowned Hoffmans in our lineage. The best that can be said of us is that because of Christ’s sacrifice for us, we are children of the King!
Thank you so much for your prayers. The delivery went very smoothly, and Sarah is recovering well. Keep going, and you can read about baby Bo’s twin brother's name!
· Jonathan: Daddy was the initial advocate for this name, but now I love it, too! Jonathan means “Given by God,” and we absolutely believe that he was...given for a time and given for a purpose. In the Bible, Jonathan pledged his life to David. While developing, our boys were pledged one to another—(Boaz) David pumping blood so that Jonathan could live inside the womb, and Jonathan ultimately giving up his life so that (Boaz) David could live outside.
· Omer: I never knew my grandfather, but my mom was very close to him, and to this day, when she speaks of him, she calls him “Daddy.” Grandpa was a farmer, so this name, meaning “bundle of corn or grain” seems appropriate. I love the stories that my mom shares about growing up on the farm, and I look forward to Heaven, where I will be able to get to know this mild-mannered man who so strongly influenced my dear mother. I am honored to be naming our twins after my grandfather, Omer David Wolf.
· Lincoln: Abraham Lincoln, the man who led our nation during its darkest hour. He was humble and brave and concerned about justice and rightness and truth. We wanted to name our son after this man who trusted God during pain and trials and who fought for the freedom of all people. Hopefully our family will honor this legacy as we continue our earthly lives.
I will continue to write updates on here as time allows. God was gracious as we welcomed our Bo and said goodbye to our sweet Jonathan. Thank you for your fervent prayers for us...we have again been held by the Lord through a difficult time. He is faithful, and He has used you.
To God be the glory, great things He has done. We watch and wait and long for eternity...we joy and we grieve, and we trust our Great High Priest, who weeps with and prays for us. Thank you, God, for never leaving or forsaking us, for giving us joy in the journey, and for using our little family to bring you praise!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Caringbridge - Every Night
...I think of writing on here. Every night. But I'm either too tired or too emotionally spent or ________ (Fill in the blank.).
Life is good. Today happened to be a tough day, but overall, things are going so well. Our Bart is such a treasure. I am particularly enamored with him....it's a mom thing. ;)
But it also seems that it's a Bart thing. So many people have been praying for him, and he seems to capture the heart of just about everyone who meets him.
As I write, Bart is sleeping on my chest. I'm pretty sure that if he has more trouble sleeping through the night than my other kids did, it will be because he is being held so much. We've had lots of visitors that have come to love on him, and frankly, it's just hard for me to put him down. So I hold him a lot, while still trying to stay true to a relatively structured routine, which I believe is helpful for most babies' (and their parents!).
At night, my heart aches for Aaron....oh, how I want to have my two boys sleeping on my chest right now! Deep breath.....
I want to update you, my prayer warriors, on how I'm doing physically. I had asked you to pray for some specifics....thank you so very much! Very soon after asking you to pray, some of the physical issues diminished, for which I'm quite thankful!
-Headaches--my headaches have gone away almost completely! I think that since I asked you to pray, I've had maybe one headache. Praise the LORD!
-Cough--my cough is GONE!!!! Again, praise God! It was a very annoying cough while it was around, but no more worrying about that!
-Incision--my incision has continued to heal well, and the pain associated with it is quite minimal. I am incredibly thankful for this.
-Vision--my vision has continued to get better, but it is still not quite right. I feel confident that something definitely changed with my vision during the delivery, and of course, I have no idea why. It's a subtle change but certainly noticeable to me. I talked to a nurse about it when I went for my incision check, and she agreed that a vision to my very scientifically-minded optometrist was a good idea. I haven't done that yet but probably will after school starts (and I have more freedom to easily run errands, have appointments, etc.).
As for Bart....he's doing great! Gaining weight (although I'm not sure how much) and beginning to be more alert each day. He still sleeps a ton, but that's okay by me! We go to the doctor on Friday for a weight check...I'm hoping that he'll be at least 6.5 pounds by then, if not closing in on 7!
Thank you for your continued prayers...obviously I'm only scratching the surface of what could be shared, but that's life with baby right now. I will continue to update when I can.
Much love from all the Hofffamily!
Life is good. Today happened to be a tough day, but overall, things are going so well. Our Bart is such a treasure. I am particularly enamored with him....it's a mom thing. ;)
But it also seems that it's a Bart thing. So many people have been praying for him, and he seems to capture the heart of just about everyone who meets him.
As I write, Bart is sleeping on my chest. I'm pretty sure that if he has more trouble sleeping through the night than my other kids did, it will be because he is being held so much. We've had lots of visitors that have come to love on him, and frankly, it's just hard for me to put him down. So I hold him a lot, while still trying to stay true to a relatively structured routine, which I believe is helpful for most babies' (and their parents!).
At night, my heart aches for Aaron....oh, how I want to have my two boys sleeping on my chest right now! Deep breath.....
I want to update you, my prayer warriors, on how I'm doing physically. I had asked you to pray for some specifics....thank you so very much! Very soon after asking you to pray, some of the physical issues diminished, for which I'm quite thankful!
-Headaches--my headaches have gone away almost completely! I think that since I asked you to pray, I've had maybe one headache. Praise the LORD!
-Cough--my cough is GONE!!!! Again, praise God! It was a very annoying cough while it was around, but no more worrying about that!
-Incision--my incision has continued to heal well, and the pain associated with it is quite minimal. I am incredibly thankful for this.
-Vision--my vision has continued to get better, but it is still not quite right. I feel confident that something definitely changed with my vision during the delivery, and of course, I have no idea why. It's a subtle change but certainly noticeable to me. I talked to a nurse about it when I went for my incision check, and she agreed that a vision to my very scientifically-minded optometrist was a good idea. I haven't done that yet but probably will after school starts (and I have more freedom to easily run errands, have appointments, etc.).
As for Bart....he's doing great! Gaining weight (although I'm not sure how much) and beginning to be more alert each day. He still sleeps a ton, but that's okay by me! We go to the doctor on Friday for a weight check...I'm hoping that he'll be at least 6.5 pounds by then, if not closing in on 7!
Thank you for your continued prayers...obviously I'm only scratching the surface of what could be shared, but that's life with baby right now. I will continue to update when I can.
Much love from all the Hofffamily!
photo taken this morning (26 days old)
Friday, August 16, 2013
Bart at 3 weeks old!
I love him so much. Period.
And I can't believe he's been with us on the outside for three weeks already. Also period. Where does the time go? Before I know it, his first birthday will be here!
Bart is such a sweetheart. But he's also just a wee bit grumpy. Forgive the grump-a-lump looks in the following pics...the smiles are sure to come, too! :) And to this mama, his little furrowed brow still holds all the love in the world...
Thanks to our friends, Tony and Julie, we now have a way to make it through the dreaded bath time with out too many tears. This ingenious little bathtime cover-up keeps Bart warm and happy while I'm bathing him. Of course, once the bath is over and I have to take him out of the tub, watch out!
Granted, the post-bath time is cold, and he's in a onesie. Mean mama!
I mean, could that face be any cuter??! I just want to kiss his sweet little face...and I do quite often! :)
Teeny tiny baby TOES!
Ahhh...there's the calm look I love!
The blanket Bart is lying on is one knit for Aaron by my Bible Study Fellowship friend, Pat. Bart has a blue one, and I keep this one hung on his crib. These blankets remain two of the many precious and heartfelt gifts we received during our pregnancy...
Yep....we're in love!
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
'Twas the Night before Baby...
This was me and my Moose Tracks ice cream 3 weeks ago tonight. Stayed up 'til almost 2 am getting my wedding ring off, then packed my hospital bag! There was much excitement mixed with apprehension, but God was faithful as always, and the next day, life changed in a precious and beautiful way. I sit here tonight with a sleeping baby on my chest...I'm missing my Aaron but am beyond crazy grateful for Bart!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Caringbridge - Physically speaking...
Neil holding and feeding his baby brother for the first time! Note their coordinating outfits (just kidding!).
Physically speaking, I am doing extremely well. I have always healed quickly from my surgeries, so I was hoping that this time would be the same, but I certainly didn't want to assume, especially considering the surprises of this pregnancy. But, true to form (Praise God!), I am healing very well and very quickly, as far as I'm concerned. I have taken less pain medicine than ever before which is a pretty good indicator of where I am.
There are, however, a few odd physical problems that remain...
My headaches...they have persisted here and there, and that is frustrating. When I forget to take my blood thinner (which has happened several times, oddly enough), my headache shows up. Now, maybe that's all in my head (no pun intended), but it just seems strange that that is the time I get my headaches, and almost always in the same place, around my left temple.
My cough...I have a persistent and terribly annoying cough. Now, prior to Wednesday morning, I had absolutely no cough or signs of a cold at all. But beginning sometime after the delivery, my voice went all strange on me. Sometimes when ordering hospital food on the phone, the cafeteria staff couldn't understand me. I figured it was nothing, but it continued. Eventually my voice got better, but I still have this cough. Coughing + c-section incision = not fun.
My vision....for those of you who know the story of our Hunt, you will remember that I had vision problems in my left eye, likely as a result of a blood clot which led to a stroke which led to high blood pressure. After Bart was delivered, I noticed that my vision wasn't quite right, which of course, concerned me. While I was in the hospital, I couldn't exactly pinpoint the problem, only that something wasn't quite right. After getting home, I noticed that my right eye vision was steady but that my left eye seems to be having trouble focusing? I'm still not sure exactly, but something isn't quite right. It does seem to be getting a little better by the day, but it's an odd, unsettling problem to have.
My incision...the pain at the incision site is minimal, and for this I am so thankful. If I push myself during the day and don't rest, I am definitely hurting by evening, but on Day 8 after surgery, I really couldn't hope to feel any better than I do. I am up and down stairs with relative ease, and I can bend over with hardly any pain (way less pain than when I had the babies in there!). So great!
Please pray...
-that my incision would continue to heal well.
-that my vision would get more and more clear as the days go by.
-that my headaches would subside (and that I wouldn't forget to take my blood thinner!).
-that my cough would GO AWAY!
And now, for the precious little baby lying here next to me.....
Bart oftens puts his hands up to his face, like he's contemplating some of life's great mysteries. And he almost always has a furrowed brow.
Here's how you can be praying for Bo...
Bart is tiny. He was born at 5 pounds, 10 ounces; dropped to 5 pounds; and increased his weight to 5 pounds, 3.5 ounces before leaving the hospital. On Monday at the doctor, he was down to 5 pounds, 3 ounces, but yesterday, he was up to 5 pounds, 5 ounces. Our pediatrician was happy with that, saying that he needs to be gaining an ounce a day.
It was explained to us at the hospital that some "borderline babies" (babies born right on the 36/37 week full-term border) will act older than they are, some younger. Bart seems to be acting younger and, agreed our pediatrician yesterday, even looks younger than he is. One way that this shows itself is through his eating habits...he's just not strong enough yet to be suckling appropriately. Because of this, I am pumping, and we are supplementing with formula when needed--all on top of the normal breastfeeding schedule.
Please pray that Bart would grow! Right now the only clothes he can wear are size Premie--those are made for up to 5 pounds. Newborn clothes are for 5 to 8 pounds, and 0-3 month clothes are for 8 to 11 pounds. I should post a picture so you can see the difference in clothing size....he would be absolutely swimming in a 0-3 month onesie right now!
Also, pray for us as we undertake the demanding breastfeed/supplement/pump schedule. He is doing really well overall, but obviously we need his growth to be moving in the right direction.
Physically speaking, we really are doing well. How thankful are we for this??! So thankful!
Thank you for praying with us for these specific things...God hears our prayers, and He will answer!
Beth colored these pictures for Bart, with a little help, so I hear. They were on the wall waiting for him when we got home from the hospital. She "scribble scrabbled" the one on the right because she "thought that Bart would like it more since he's a baby". That was so thoughtful!
Caringbridge - 38 Weeks....BABY DAY + 1 week
Born July 24, 2013 at 9:47 a.m.:
Boaz David Washington Hoffman, weighing 5 pounds, 10 ounces, and measuring 18 inches long. He is tiny but just about perfect. :)
And to the arms of Heaven was born:
Jonathan Omer Lincoln Hoffman
For the last few minutes, I have sat in silence, amazed at the reality while at the same time saddened by the reality. Boaz is amazing....and I am totally, completely, head-over-heels in love. Again. Jonathan was an identical twin, so as I stare at my Bo, I know what my Jonathan would have looked like. Such a blessing. And I know that Heaven waits.....I will miss him, but only for a little while.
For now, the Lord has seen fit to give to our arms the gift of Boaz, and I am treasuring every minute.
Hospital for 4.5 days, now home for 3....we are beginning to get our bearings. Please keep praying, and I will try to do a better job of posting. There is much to tell...God.is.so.good.
In His Grace and for all the Hofffamily,
Hoffbeauty
Boaz David Washington Hoffman, weighing 5 pounds, 10 ounces, and measuring 18 inches long. He is tiny but just about perfect. :)
And to the arms of Heaven was born:
Jonathan Omer Lincoln Hoffman
For the last few minutes, I have sat in silence, amazed at the reality while at the same time saddened by the reality. Boaz is amazing....and I am totally, completely, head-over-heels in love. Again. Jonathan was an identical twin, so as I stare at my Bo, I know what my Jonathan would have looked like. Such a blessing. And I know that Heaven waits.....I will miss him, but only for a little while.
For now, the Lord has seen fit to give to our arms the gift of Boaz, and I am treasuring every minute.
Hospital for 4.5 days, now home for 3....we are beginning to get our bearings. Please keep praying, and I will try to do a better job of posting. There is much to tell...God.is.so.good.
In His Grace and for all the Hofffamily,
Hoffbeauty
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Announcing...
One more day, and it will be one whole week. Here are the stats: Boaz David Washington Hoffman, born to us at 9:47 am on July 24, weighing 5 pounds, 10 ounces, and measuring 18 inches long. Also, Jonathan Omer Lincoln Hoffman, born straight from my womb into the very safe arms of Jesus. Both are precious in our sight and, more importantly, in His. Thank you, Lord, for these amazing little boys!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Leaving the Hospital
To say that the hospital staff went above and beyond the call of duty is no exaggeration. We are immensely thankful for the medical personnel at the Women's Pavilion where our Hunt, Beth, and now Bart and Aaron were delivered. It was actually bittersweet leaving there...
...but it sure was nice to know that we were going HOME!
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Caringbridge - 37 Weeks = BABY DAY!!
Remember last Wednesday when I said that I planned on writing each day during the last week of my pregnancy?Right........that didn't happen. Not even once.
But here we are. A major meltdown on Sunday evening, a calm assurance today. God has been with us in the ups and downs...all of them...over the last 7+ months. How thankful we are for the rock solid truths of His Word--that He never leaves us or abandons us, that we are His children, that He is Faithful in all circumstances.
Our pastor said on Sunday that our blessings are not determined by our circumstances. Amen.
The circumstances of this pending birth are not ones we would have chosen. Then again, how many times would we ever choose the hard things? But without pain, the healing isn't as noticable. Without burdens, the lifting doesn't feel as liberating. If we are careful to watch what He is doing, we see Him growing us through the difficult, deepening our faith along the way.
There's a Chris Rice song that I've always loved. It became meaningful to me many years ago when I was walking through a very difficult part of life. It is a song of surrender called simply "My Prayer." It begins with a wrestling with the Lord, a do-you-really-hear-me heart as he throws his prayers toward Heaven, feeling like some sort of a ceiling keeps them from actually going anywhere or doing anything productive. (And don't we often feel that way, if we are honest? That our prayers are limited and that God is somehow too invested in something else to care about this little part of my life?)
But then something happens: he remembers the Truth. The truth that God is there, listening all the while. That his prayers are heard, and that God has never left his side.
Then, after the wrestling and the questioning (which Chris Rice implores us again and again through his lyrics that God absolutely can handle), a surrender:
"Simple exchange. Your will, I'm changed. And now my prayer ends. Thank you, amen."
This is how it must be with us. Questioning, pain, wonder, not understanding, then Truth. And then.......an exchange. Do your will, Lord. I trust you. Amen. And no looking back.
Tonight, I choose to not look back. I trust you, Lord, with my life, with the lives of my husband and children, and specifically, with the lives of these two precious babies. Do your will, and have your way. Our lives are yours. Amen.
God is so good, so faithful, so loving, so kind. He walks with us, hemming us in before and behind. In a few hours, He will walk with us through something very bittersweet and get the glory along the way....which is what we've always wanted.
Thank you for your faithful prayers all these months. Thank you for every kind word, every meal delivered, every small or great act of service, every note, every random and special thing that we haven't even asked for...I'm overwhelmed to think of it all.
The world has been awaiting the birth of a prince. Our little world has been awaiting the birth of our two little Hoffprinces, one to our arms and one to the arms of our King.
It's go time, friends! Please continue to pray as God leads...thank you. We will share the news just as soon as we are able!
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Caringbridge - 36 weeks!
I've said this before, I realize, but I must say it again.
I can't believe I've made it this far. I mean, I just really can't. When I was pregnant with Beth, this was the stopping point...or so we thought. Actually, the amniocentisis told us that her lungs weren't ready, so we ended up waiting for 9 more long, agonizing days. But 36 is what we were shooting for.
This time around, I was just hoping to make it to 24. Then 28. Then 32. To have made it this far with as few issues as I have (physically anyway) is astounding to me. TRAP sequence results in not-very-nice things for mama and babies sometimes...I am so grateful that, in the end, the pregnancy has gone as well as it has, all things considered. All glory goes to Him!
I have many things to share but am planning to update each day from here on out, so I will begin by sharing the most pertinent, prayer-inducing, time-sensitive things.
This week, I had my regular appointments scheduled for Tuesday and Friday. However, already this week, I have been at the doctor on Monday, Tuesday, and again today. If it's not one thing, it's another, so we have chosen the "better to be safe than sorry" route.
This morning, I woke up at 5 o'clock having a contraction (I have been having so many more contractions than with any other pregnancy...I love having contractions because it feels like my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing, even though I know that a c-section is around the corner.). That part was fine. The concerning part is that in my left eye's vision field, it looked as if someone had outlined what I was looking at with a Sharpie marker. Black lines/spots/circles in the vision while you are pregnant is NOT a good thing.
In the days leading up to our Hunt's death, I ignored the warning signs that my body was giving me in the way of spots in the vision. I will not do that again. I was not feeling so much worried this morning on my way to the hospital as I was feeling vigilant.
On Monday, the reason I went to the doctor was because we were checking to make sure my water hadn't broken because I thought that maybe it had. Nope. Praise God! I was NOT ready to have the babies that day. Monday would have been Hunt's 9th birthday, and I did not want the babies to come then.
And that's it, right? The emotional and physical, the spiritual and the mental, are so very interconnected. It has been hard for me to separate this week the realistic fears from the unrealistic paranoia.
Also, there's something else affecting the emotions. Right now, our staff conference is happening in Colorado. Our family has spent every other summer in CO for the last decade. And we aren't there this year. And it's sad. It is what it is; I've accepted it and am very thankful to be here........but it's still sad.
Will you please pray for these specific things:
-wisdom....Hoffbeast and I need wisdom to know when we should go to the doctor and when we should not, when we should call and when we should wait.
-paranoia and fear....that I wouldn't live this last week in paranoia and fear.
-times with the Lord....there is so much to be done, but I've been reminded again recently as to how very little I can do apart from the vine. Pretty much nothing, to be exact. Pray that I remain in the vine, both in this next week and in the weeks to come.
-emotional preparation for what we will see and experience at the delivery....the condition of Aaron's body is still unknown, so it's impossible to know exactly what we will see. Our doctor tried to explain his best guess as best he could, but there simply is no way of knowing for sure right now.
THANK YOU for your constant, faithful prayers! I'll write more tomorrow! :)
love, hoffbeauty
p.s. My friend, Nicole, set up a website for meal delivery for our family for the weeks after the birth. If you'd like to help in this way, you can go to takethemameal.com. The family name is "hoffman" (obviously), and the password is "hofftwins". There are a couple of other specific ways you might be able to help, too, but perhaps I'll write more about those later.
I can't believe I've made it this far. I mean, I just really can't. When I was pregnant with Beth, this was the stopping point...or so we thought. Actually, the amniocentisis told us that her lungs weren't ready, so we ended up waiting for 9 more long, agonizing days. But 36 is what we were shooting for.
This time around, I was just hoping to make it to 24. Then 28. Then 32. To have made it this far with as few issues as I have (physically anyway) is astounding to me. TRAP sequence results in not-very-nice things for mama and babies sometimes...I am so grateful that, in the end, the pregnancy has gone as well as it has, all things considered. All glory goes to Him!
I have many things to share but am planning to update each day from here on out, so I will begin by sharing the most pertinent, prayer-inducing, time-sensitive things.
This week, I had my regular appointments scheduled for Tuesday and Friday. However, already this week, I have been at the doctor on Monday, Tuesday, and again today. If it's not one thing, it's another, so we have chosen the "better to be safe than sorry" route.
This morning, I woke up at 5 o'clock having a contraction (I have been having so many more contractions than with any other pregnancy...I love having contractions because it feels like my body is doing what it's supposed to be doing, even though I know that a c-section is around the corner.). That part was fine. The concerning part is that in my left eye's vision field, it looked as if someone had outlined what I was looking at with a Sharpie marker. Black lines/spots/circles in the vision while you are pregnant is NOT a good thing.
In the days leading up to our Hunt's death, I ignored the warning signs that my body was giving me in the way of spots in the vision. I will not do that again. I was not feeling so much worried this morning on my way to the hospital as I was feeling vigilant.
On Monday, the reason I went to the doctor was because we were checking to make sure my water hadn't broken because I thought that maybe it had. Nope. Praise God! I was NOT ready to have the babies that day. Monday would have been Hunt's 9th birthday, and I did not want the babies to come then.
And that's it, right? The emotional and physical, the spiritual and the mental, are so very interconnected. It has been hard for me to separate this week the realistic fears from the unrealistic paranoia.
Also, there's something else affecting the emotions. Right now, our staff conference is happening in Colorado. Our family has spent every other summer in CO for the last decade. And we aren't there this year. And it's sad. It is what it is; I've accepted it and am very thankful to be here........but it's still sad.
Will you please pray for these specific things:
-wisdom....Hoffbeast and I need wisdom to know when we should go to the doctor and when we should not, when we should call and when we should wait.
-paranoia and fear....that I wouldn't live this last week in paranoia and fear.
-times with the Lord....there is so much to be done, but I've been reminded again recently as to how very little I can do apart from the vine. Pretty much nothing, to be exact. Pray that I remain in the vine, both in this next week and in the weeks to come.
-emotional preparation for what we will see and experience at the delivery....the condition of Aaron's body is still unknown, so it's impossible to know exactly what we will see. Our doctor tried to explain his best guess as best he could, but there simply is no way of knowing for sure right now.
THANK YOU for your constant, faithful prayers! I'll write more tomorrow! :)
love, hoffbeauty
p.s. My friend, Nicole, set up a website for meal delivery for our family for the weeks after the birth. If you'd like to help in this way, you can go to takethemameal.com. The family name is "hoffman" (obviously), and the password is "hofftwins". There are a couple of other specific ways you might be able to help, too, but perhaps I'll write more about those later.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Caringbridge - 34.5 weeks...only 17 days 'til baby day!
Tonight was a beautiful night. It was one of those nights where I drank in and savored summer....something I have been saying that I want to do before the babies arrive. Last Saturday, Neil and The Daddy were supposed to be going to a Milwaukee Brewers baseball game, but when they arrived, Hoffbeast realized that somehow he had bought tickets for a week later. Tonight, because he had a prior ministry function already planned, I got to go on a date with my 8-year-old, and we had the best time together! It was a beautiful night--the perfect summer night, really--and to top it off, the Brewers won. Glorious!
How fortunate I am! I have so much for which to be thankful....I can't even begin to really list them all.
One of the things for which to be thankful is you. Every single person reading this and lifting us up in prayer to the Father has been a blessing to us over these last 6 months. We will never know how the storm would have been weathered were it not for the praying saints who were going before the throne of grace on our behalf, day in and day out, week in and week out. Thankfully, we will never have to know that....I have a feeling it wouldn't have been so pretty.
As it is, Jesus has met us at every turn...and He is continuing to do so. I feel boosted emotionally, and I feel strong physically. Today, in my study of John, I read the following: "No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine." Such an important and clear directive from the Lord.....I cannot bear fruit by myself; I must remain in the vine. Period.
I am the branch; He is the vine. Jesus, the Word made flesh, the Son of God, revealed from Heaven. Matchless. Redeemer. Healer. King. It is He in Whom I must remain, and that process happens as I spend time in His Word, getting to know the heart of the One for Whom I live. How thankful am I that He has not left me alone but has sent the Comforter, His Holy Spirit.
And He has brought comfort, indeed. And I believe that He has used you and your prayers to pave the way for me (us) to feel the comfort that He has always offered. Praise God...and thank you for being so faithful in prayer.
Please don't stop. The next several weeks are sure to bring with them a multitude of feelings, a roller coaster full of the traditional ups and downs. My friend had her twins boys this week--unspeakable joy at their safe arrival; a twinge of sadness as I see the pictures of them lying together, as my boys will never do this side of Heaven. Baby clothes being washed and readied--excitement to think of Bart being here soon and wearing them; sadness that I don't need to buy any twin clothes like I was so looking forward to doing. Hospital prep like where will the kids go during delivery/recovery--happy to be hauling out the infant car seat again; sad to have to only need one of them.
And then there are the hard things that need to be done. Today, I visited Rock of Ages, the memorial company that chiseled out and placed our Hunt's gravestone almost 9 years ago exactly; I need to prepare for Aaron's burial...not an easy or fun task, but necessary and, in a way, the only thing that this mother will ever be able to do for her son. So I will do it gladly, making sure that his life is remembered and valued.
So yes, we need prayer...and lots more of it as these weeks progress.
Specifically, here are some updates:
-At last check, Bart weighed 4 pounds, 9 ounces. I'm sure he's a good bit more by now. Hurray for a wonderful weight for him! And he is beautiful! Every ultrasound look is a treasure for this mama. :)
-Aaron is little...much smaller than he was at one point. I am still praying that there will be a body to hold and cherish, if only for a moment, but I don't know at this point if that hope will be realized or not. This is something specific that I simply must trust God with. He knows me intimately and will provide what I need, not simply what I wish or what I think I need.
-My surgery is scheduled for 8:45 on the morning of July 24....baby day is on its way--fast!
-I am extremely thankful that the same two doctors that delivered both Hunt and Beth will be delivering Bart and Aaron. Praise God for this!
-We officially have two names on the table, although a third has crept into the running. At this rate, I don't expect to finalize the names until we are driving to the hospital on the morning of the 24th.
-Bart moves all the time, and I love it!
-As expected, sleeping is becoming more of a challenge by the night. By the end of the day, my feet have swollen a bit (although not badly...I'm really thankful for that), and my back and shoulders are often hurting. I still sleep relatively well, but yes....I'm 8 months pregnant for sure!
What questions do you have? Let me know, and I will try to answer them...
It is worth mentioning again how thankful we are that we have made it this far. Back on January 18, we had no idea what life would be like come July. God has answered our prayers in His all-knowing, all-wise ways, and we bow before Him in thankfulness. We wanted healing for Aaron....those wants are being given in Heaven. We wanted safety for Bart....each ultrasound and NST confirms that these wants are being granted here on earth.
For all You have done, we are thankful...for all You are going to do, we are thankful.
Amen.
How fortunate I am! I have so much for which to be thankful....I can't even begin to really list them all.
One of the things for which to be thankful is you. Every single person reading this and lifting us up in prayer to the Father has been a blessing to us over these last 6 months. We will never know how the storm would have been weathered were it not for the praying saints who were going before the throne of grace on our behalf, day in and day out, week in and week out. Thankfully, we will never have to know that....I have a feeling it wouldn't have been so pretty.
As it is, Jesus has met us at every turn...and He is continuing to do so. I feel boosted emotionally, and I feel strong physically. Today, in my study of John, I read the following: "No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine." Such an important and clear directive from the Lord.....I cannot bear fruit by myself; I must remain in the vine. Period.
I am the branch; He is the vine. Jesus, the Word made flesh, the Son of God, revealed from Heaven. Matchless. Redeemer. Healer. King. It is He in Whom I must remain, and that process happens as I spend time in His Word, getting to know the heart of the One for Whom I live. How thankful am I that He has not left me alone but has sent the Comforter, His Holy Spirit.
And He has brought comfort, indeed. And I believe that He has used you and your prayers to pave the way for me (us) to feel the comfort that He has always offered. Praise God...and thank you for being so faithful in prayer.
Please don't stop. The next several weeks are sure to bring with them a multitude of feelings, a roller coaster full of the traditional ups and downs. My friend had her twins boys this week--unspeakable joy at their safe arrival; a twinge of sadness as I see the pictures of them lying together, as my boys will never do this side of Heaven. Baby clothes being washed and readied--excitement to think of Bart being here soon and wearing them; sadness that I don't need to buy any twin clothes like I was so looking forward to doing. Hospital prep like where will the kids go during delivery/recovery--happy to be hauling out the infant car seat again; sad to have to only need one of them.
And then there are the hard things that need to be done. Today, I visited Rock of Ages, the memorial company that chiseled out and placed our Hunt's gravestone almost 9 years ago exactly; I need to prepare for Aaron's burial...not an easy or fun task, but necessary and, in a way, the only thing that this mother will ever be able to do for her son. So I will do it gladly, making sure that his life is remembered and valued.
So yes, we need prayer...and lots more of it as these weeks progress.
Specifically, here are some updates:
-At last check, Bart weighed 4 pounds, 9 ounces. I'm sure he's a good bit more by now. Hurray for a wonderful weight for him! And he is beautiful! Every ultrasound look is a treasure for this mama. :)
-Aaron is little...much smaller than he was at one point. I am still praying that there will be a body to hold and cherish, if only for a moment, but I don't know at this point if that hope will be realized or not. This is something specific that I simply must trust God with. He knows me intimately and will provide what I need, not simply what I wish or what I think I need.
-My surgery is scheduled for 8:45 on the morning of July 24....baby day is on its way--fast!
-I am extremely thankful that the same two doctors that delivered both Hunt and Beth will be delivering Bart and Aaron. Praise God for this!
-We officially have two names on the table, although a third has crept into the running. At this rate, I don't expect to finalize the names until we are driving to the hospital on the morning of the 24th.
-Bart moves all the time, and I love it!
-As expected, sleeping is becoming more of a challenge by the night. By the end of the day, my feet have swollen a bit (although not badly...I'm really thankful for that), and my back and shoulders are often hurting. I still sleep relatively well, but yes....I'm 8 months pregnant for sure!
What questions do you have? Let me know, and I will try to answer them...
It is worth mentioning again how thankful we are that we have made it this far. Back on January 18, we had no idea what life would be like come July. God has answered our prayers in His all-knowing, all-wise ways, and we bow before Him in thankfulness. We wanted healing for Aaron....those wants are being given in Heaven. We wanted safety for Bart....each ultrasound and NST confirms that these wants are being granted here on earth.
For all You have done, we are thankful...for all You are going to do, we are thankful.
Amen.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Caringbridge - 33 weeks
Yesterday, I went to my Tuesday appointment (Tuesdays consists of an Non-Stress Test for baby, a fluid check/ultrasound, and a doctor visit.), and while baby looked good on the NST, the fluid check was a bit worrisome.
But I can't let it.
As usual, my awesome OB did what needed to be done to make sure everything was safe and moving along well, ordering a full ultrasound at the perinatologist's office down the hall.
This morning, I had that ultrasound, and while my fluid levels are on the high end, they aren't high enough to worry a great deal, so Dr. S (a new doctor I hadn't seen until today) suggested that we just keep doing our normal checks and come back to see her if there are any further concerns. She was great, and I left the appointment feeling much assured.
Dr. S told me that unless something else came up, she wouldn't need to see me for another 3 weeks. She also confirmed the 37-week due date, which means that, Lord willing, we will meet our babies 4 weeks from today.
That. is. nuts.
But I'm excited. There is so much to do before then, it's crazy. I have done so little to get ready, but I'm trusting that all will get done. People have been offering help; now I just need to get organized and begin taking people up on it.
Please do not stop praying. 33 weeks is awesome, but in some ways, the further I get in the pregnancy, the more nervous I become. We lost our son, Joshua, just shy of 37 weeks, so that thought is enough to take me to panic-land real quick.
But I can't let it.
You see, the enemy wants me to forget that God loves me, that He has what's best in mind for me, that He has the ability to make the best for my life come to pass. He wants me to believe that God is not in control, that He is not good, and that He has forgotten about the needs of our little family.
I will choose to believe, if even one breath at a time, in the Truth and in the promises of God, rather than in the lies of the evil one who wants to steal my life away.
My life is hidden in Christ, and in Him I will rest. Goodnight.
Orange Toes!! (Katharine will love the color!)
These babies will be here before I know it, and there is no way that I'm going to have time to blog after they arrive. So I really need to be making time to at least get some photos up here, even if not much of a description goes with them.
One thing I made time for last week was a pre-baby, summertime pedicure!
It's hard to reach your toes when you're as prego as I am, so I was thankful that Andrea dragged me suggested that we go to get a pedicure.
I have one more scheduled the week before baby, this time with my friend, Nicole. I figure this one can last me 'til then. :)
One last pic....my view. Baby is moving a lot still, and I am thankful every time...
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Caringbridge - 31 weeks
My belly is moving constantly. It's amazing. I know I say that a lot, but I mean it. How can a living person living inside another living person not be amazing every single time?
I think I might have just run across a spiritual analogy.
Six more weeks. That's it. Six weeks ago, we had our ministry banquet. That seems like yesterday. Six weeks is less than 50 days. Six weeks seems like a blip on the screen of time....it is, really. Here we were, wondering and watching, tempted to worry but trying desperately to trust well, and all the while, God knew where we would be today.
And he knows every moment that the next six weeks holds.
I am doing well. Physically, I am just like any other pregnant woman at 31 weeks--at least, I'm the way I have been every other pregnancy at 31 weeks. I'm active, I'm keeping up with my children, I am managing our household (mostly), and I'm participating in life with as much involvement as possible. Today, I ran--literally--to the bus stop with our summer project students as we made our way on a city adventure. The bus was almost at the stop, and we needed to catch it. So we ran! And I had the thought, "I can't believe I'm running!" To be able to be as physically active as I am now....I still can't really believe how well I'm doing.
I am aware--believe me--that that could change at any time, but for these moments, every one, I am thankful.
Emotionally, I am well by God's grace alone. I will never get used to the fact that Aaron is more and more difficult to find on the ultrasound screen--it's painful every time. And yet, I have gotten to the point where I expect it and can prepare before going in...and be okay. Yesterday, I had a new ultrasound tech, and I had to point out where he was for her. I consider it a little bit of taking care of my baby...one of the only things that I can do. I will speak of his life whenever the opportunity arises, as he is important, valuable, and treasured--forever.
Having said all of that, I can also say that the reality that I will, Lord willing, hold Bart soon is becoming increasingly exciting by the day. A friend from church had a baby a couple of weeks ago, and I was able to hold him on Sunday. Tears came like a gushing river, and there was absolutely nothing to do but hold him tight and let them flow. She was kind and loving and understanding, and my appreciation for her grew even more. She let me cry, she let me grieve, all the while holding her precious son, knowing that the joy I felt at his safe arrival was in that moment intimately tied into the pain I felt that I would never hold Aaron.
At the same time, I cried because I was staring at the vulnerable, life that is sustained only and ultimately by our Father, and I was keenly aware that I will only have the privilege of having Bart with me if God allows it.
Oh, Lord, by your grace and for your glory, will you please allow it?
Bart is so beautiful. Every time I see him on the screen, I fall more and more in love with my boys. I can't wait to kiss his sweet little lips!
Six weeks. That's no time at all.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Caringbridge - 30 weeks
Thirty weeks. Seventy-five percent through the pregnancy. Months ago, news that brought happy tears, followed weeks later by a very different kind of weeping.
And here we are.
People ask how I am doing. Really, I am doing quite well in most ways. How could I not be so grateful that my baby is doing so well, considering the dire situation in which we found him and his brother just a short time ago?
But, at the same time, how could I not be sad at the reality that I will never know my other baby this side of Heaven?
God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble. It is in Him that I find my life, my breath, my being, and certainly in these times, my strength to keep walking. People say that I am strong; no, He is strong, and as I stay attached to the vine, His strength is infused in me....and He makes me brave.
"You make me brave, You make me strong.
I'm not afraid; You've been here all along.
In my weakness, You're my strength and my song.
You make me brave." --Out of the Grey
We are getting close (I hope) to finalizing their names. It has been a struggle, as is typical for us. I'm not sure why we have such a hard time naming our children, but we do. Perhaps we both sense the importance of a name and don't want to back away from our opinions? I am praying that God will give us the right names in time.
Today, I had my first of the twice-weekly appointments that I will have for the rest of the pregnancy. I started with an ultrasound at the perinatologist's office. Dr. W has become much more tolerable in his bedside manners as the situation has stabilized...and maybe even almost kind. It is his way, and as often is the case with people you encounter in a professional situation, we have just sort of had to get used to him. Today, I thanked him for taking such good care of us...and I meant it. For all the awkwardness, discomfort, and pain of the beginning appointments, he seems to have a good eye for what is actually happening, and I am thankful for that. He is still so studious each time around...I have no doubt that he is telling me the most accurate information that he possibly can.
This morning, an amazingly sweet thing occurred during the ultrasound. First, you must understand that Aaron is very small now, especially in comparison to the size of Bart. Aaron could almost be held in Bart's hands at this point. So while Dr. W was looking at Aaron, checking out the blood flow, the screen jiggled and suddenly, a hand appeared in the picture. It was Bart, reaching out to his brother. And while we watched, Dr. W studying intensely the whole time, Bart cupped his little hand up around Aaron's body, almost as if to protect him. It was precious, and tears come now as I think of it. He absolutely is aware of his brother, and it is beautiful to me.
It was especially interesting because, as you know, most of the time, babies are in the "fetal position" in utero; their arms and legs are rarely stretched out away from their bodies. But here was Bart, definitely and intentionally stretching out to be near Aaron. I will never forget seeing that, and as I've said before, I am so thankful for these glimpses into their world.
For his part, Bart is doing amazingly well...he weighs almost 3.5 pounds now! All of his body parts are there, and the 3D images we saw today were nothing short of awesome! He really look so much like Beth...it's crazy to me that we can tell that at this point! I wonder if he will have red hair, too!?
After the ultrasound, I headed down to my OB's office for a Non-Stress Test (NST). During an NST, a monitor is put on the belly to record the movement and heart rate of baby. A twinge of sadness, of course, when I had to inform the nursing assistant that she didn't need two monitors, as she normally would for twins. There is no second heartbeat to find, I informed her. She was very kind and hugged me. I couldn't ask for a more sensitive response, but these are the moments that it hurts again. Another one came later when I had to speak with the financial counselor, who informed me that she is the mother of twin boys. "That's awesome!" I exclaimed. "It's interesting," she countered.
I wanted to shake her and say, "NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...IT'S AWESOME, AND YOU NEED TO BE THANKFUL EVERY MOMENT FOR THE INTERESTING!"
When my hour on the NST monitor was over, Dr. M came in to see me and ask if I had any questions. She is a wonderful doctor--have I said recently how much I love my OBs?! We talked about when I might deliver....we haven't nailed down a specific date, but it looks like if all continues the way it's been going, we will likely schedule a c-section between 37 (July 24) and 39 weeks (Aug. 7). I will be pushing for closer to 37.
That's the update from here. Of course there is more to say, but all that will have to wait for another time. I have again been more encouraged than I can say by the way the Lord puts us on the hearts of people to pray and reach out in specific ways and at specific times. I definitely haven't responded to most messages I've received or said thank you enough, so again and again.....thank you.