Tonight's the night. The night I force the words out of my heart and onto the paper. There will never be a perfect time, a time when there are no other distractions and life slows down enough to just think. and. breathe. and. remember. Not unless I just make it happen. So tonight...
<think. breathe. remember.>
I barely slept. Nearly two hours of working to get my wedding ring off followed by finally packing my hospital bag and checking the last few things off the list led to about a hundred minutes of sleep.
I haven't put my rings back on. My ring finger is still traumatized from all the Windex.
But really, who can think of sleep when the alarm goes off on the morning of a planned c-section? The clock alarm--Beeeeeeep, beeeeeep, beeeeeep. The heart alarm--"It's baby day, the day you will meet your babies." There's no snooze button on the heart alarm....once the heart is awakened, there's no going back.
Hoffbeast was, as usual, a happy little fleet manager and had the car all ready for the ride to the hospital. We drove our Escort, the same little car we drove to the hospital on the Fourth of July back in 2002 when Rex was on his way into our arms. We drove and laughed and videoed and hoped....the day was finally here.
People have asked how the day of delivery went. It was beautiful....and sad....but mostly beautiful. God was so evident in His presence, and I am grateful--I will always be so grateful.
I had become quite apprehensive about the surgery by the time the day actually came, both because of what I knew--I had had three c-sections already--and because of what I didn't know--would Aaron's body be there? would Bart's heart be as healthy as we had hoped? would there be any more complications waiting around the corner?
And it went amazingly well. Really.
One of the best parts about the day was our anesthesiologist. We had had a bad experience with the anesthesiologist on the day of Beth's birth, and I was so hoping that that would not be repeated. It was the complete opposite. Dr. T was kind and compassionate and sensitive to my needs, including the need to have both my husband and my friend in the room with me. When we asked, she said yes, and the result was both some amazing pictures of Bart's birth and the reality that I never had to be alone...even when daddy walked away to be with baby, Andrea was able to stay right there with me. And while my husband was wiping my tears and calming my nerves, Andrea was checking on Bart and continuing to capture the moments on film.
My doctors...I just can't say enough about them. Dr. D and Dr. M both performed my surgeries with Hunt, Beth, and now Bart & Aaron. I feel like they are part of our family, and the comfort I felt with them there cannot be overstated. Of course I was still nervous. But I knew, too, that they would take the absolute best care of me possible.
These were, after all, the two doctors that God had handpicked back in 2004 to be the doctors who would perform my life-saving operation after Hunt had gone to be with Jesus. He knew long before I ever did how much I would need their exact expertise and know-how, and He put them there at the hospital that morning. They cared for me back then, and it hasn't changed since. On July 24, they were the right people again...I am so thankful.
Dr. D asked me where Bart's given name came from. Right there in the OR, we were able to point to the book of Ruth, to the Christ-figure who pointed to the real Kinsman-Redeemer who would come after him.
Thank you, Jesus....for your love for our boys and our whole family. You didn't have to give us these gifts, but you did. Aaron was with us for a short time, but his little heart has changed mine. It pointed me again to my need for You and has glorified you in ways I won't know this side of Heaven. And Bart....this sweet little baby who coos and breathes and baby-snores right next to me now....you have shown me your grace again in the way of this precious-beyond-measure love of my heart.
Why? And again, why? I don't know. But your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts. So I grieve, and I hope, and I cry, and I trust, and I remember, and I joy.
You are good, and your love endures forever.
<think. breathe. remember.>
I barely slept. Nearly two hours of working to get my wedding ring off followed by finally packing my hospital bag and checking the last few things off the list led to about a hundred minutes of sleep.
I haven't put my rings back on. My ring finger is still traumatized from all the Windex.
But really, who can think of sleep when the alarm goes off on the morning of a planned c-section? The clock alarm--Beeeeeeep, beeeeeep, beeeeeep. The heart alarm--"It's baby day, the day you will meet your babies." There's no snooze button on the heart alarm....once the heart is awakened, there's no going back.
Hoffbeast was, as usual, a happy little fleet manager and had the car all ready for the ride to the hospital. We drove our Escort, the same little car we drove to the hospital on the Fourth of July back in 2002 when Rex was on his way into our arms. We drove and laughed and videoed and hoped....the day was finally here.
People have asked how the day of delivery went. It was beautiful....and sad....but mostly beautiful. God was so evident in His presence, and I am grateful--I will always be so grateful.
I had become quite apprehensive about the surgery by the time the day actually came, both because of what I knew--I had had three c-sections already--and because of what I didn't know--would Aaron's body be there? would Bart's heart be as healthy as we had hoped? would there be any more complications waiting around the corner?
And it went amazingly well. Really.
One of the best parts about the day was our anesthesiologist. We had had a bad experience with the anesthesiologist on the day of Beth's birth, and I was so hoping that that would not be repeated. It was the complete opposite. Dr. T was kind and compassionate and sensitive to my needs, including the need to have both my husband and my friend in the room with me. When we asked, she said yes, and the result was both some amazing pictures of Bart's birth and the reality that I never had to be alone...even when daddy walked away to be with baby, Andrea was able to stay right there with me. And while my husband was wiping my tears and calming my nerves, Andrea was checking on Bart and continuing to capture the moments on film.
My doctors...I just can't say enough about them. Dr. D and Dr. M both performed my surgeries with Hunt, Beth, and now Bart & Aaron. I feel like they are part of our family, and the comfort I felt with them there cannot be overstated. Of course I was still nervous. But I knew, too, that they would take the absolute best care of me possible.
These were, after all, the two doctors that God had handpicked back in 2004 to be the doctors who would perform my life-saving operation after Hunt had gone to be with Jesus. He knew long before I ever did how much I would need their exact expertise and know-how, and He put them there at the hospital that morning. They cared for me back then, and it hasn't changed since. On July 24, they were the right people again...I am so thankful.
Dr. D asked me where Bart's given name came from. Right there in the OR, we were able to point to the book of Ruth, to the Christ-figure who pointed to the real Kinsman-Redeemer who would come after him.
Thank you, Jesus....for your love for our boys and our whole family. You didn't have to give us these gifts, but you did. Aaron was with us for a short time, but his little heart has changed mine. It pointed me again to my need for You and has glorified you in ways I won't know this side of Heaven. And Bart....this sweet little baby who coos and breathes and baby-snores right next to me now....you have shown me your grace again in the way of this precious-beyond-measure love of my heart.
Why? And again, why? I don't know. But your ways are higher than my ways, and your thoughts higher than my thoughts. So I grieve, and I hope, and I cry, and I trust, and I remember, and I joy.
You are good, and your love endures forever.
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