Last year on this day, I experienced one of the absolute best moments of my life......when the ultrasound tech said, "Looks like there are two babies in there!" I smile now as I remember it......laughter and tears in that moment displaying the great JOY overflowing from my heart. Today, I am remembering with love and that same great joy the baby I carried along with his brother, Boaz......I miss you so much, Jonathan! You just have Heaven before we do....but we'll see you soon. Mixed with the joy, of course, is the great sadness that will only be undone in the end by the One who holds every tear. I have cried much these last few days, and today I am enjoying a reflective and quiet day at home surrounded by Christmas music, my thoughts, and my sweet baby Bo. May God be always praised in my every joy and every sadness....He reigns as King, and yet He entered our pain-stained world. Thank you, baby Jesus, for growing up, dying for me, understanding my grief, and making a way for the ashes to be traded for beauty.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
From the mouths of babes...
Beth: "Mom, do you know that we have two dads? One is always with us, and the other isn't."
Me: "Well, the other one is always with us, too. We just can't see Him."
Beth: "Oh, that's what I meant. God is always with us. The other dad, the daddy who lives at home with us, he's not always here."
She understands...better than I do sometimes.
She understands...better than I do sometimes.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Ahhhhhhh....
I sigh.............
It's up. It's not fully decorated yet, but at least the tree is up, and it has lights on it, and I can sit in the quiet with the blankets pulled up all around me and think and pray and process and wonder and worship.
I love this time of year.
It's up. It's not fully decorated yet, but at least the tree is up, and it has lights on it, and I can sit in the quiet with the blankets pulled up all around me and think and pray and process and wonder and worship.
I love this time of year.
Friday, December 13, 2013
A Crisis of Hair
"What should I get Hoffbeast for Christmas?", I asked Desi one recent evening when he was over at our house.
"I don't know....a haircut?"
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That's pretty funny, folks. "Why?", you ask.
Because the hair...it is really getting out of control! I think it's his mid-life crisis speaking, and as far as mid-life crises go, it's not that bad, that's for sure. But seriously, something must be done soon!
"I don't know....a haircut?"
------------
That's pretty funny, folks. "Why?", you ask.
Because the hair...it is really getting out of control! I think it's his mid-life crisis speaking, and as far as mid-life crises go, it's not that bad, that's for sure. But seriously, something must be done soon!
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Winter
It's winter time, and I think things will go easier for me if I just accept it.
After all, it's all about perspective: I can complain about the cold...or I can enjoy the warmth of the Christmas lights, the hot chocolate, and people I love sunk deep into the brown couches.
I can fret over the inconveniences that come with the dropping temperatures and blab to others about how annoyed I am with all the tracked in mud, ice, and slush on my wood floors...or I can quietly surrender to the what is.
I can dread the season...or I can embrace it for all its worth.
I can grieve what I have lost...or I can revel in what I've been given.
I feel weak and can see myself running toward the former...it is so much easier, after all. But my faith eyes want to live in the latter, the place of health, wholeness, dependence, and grace. Oh Lord, give me the strength to choose your easy yoke...
After all, it's all about perspective: I can complain about the cold...or I can enjoy the warmth of the Christmas lights, the hot chocolate, and people I love sunk deep into the brown couches.
I can fret over the inconveniences that come with the dropping temperatures and blab to others about how annoyed I am with all the tracked in mud, ice, and slush on my wood floors...or I can quietly surrender to the what is.
I can dread the season...or I can embrace it for all its worth.
I can grieve what I have lost...or I can revel in what I've been given.
I feel weak and can see myself running toward the former...it is so much easier, after all. But my faith eyes want to live in the latter, the place of health, wholeness, dependence, and grace. Oh Lord, give me the strength to choose your easy yoke...
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Could it be?
I don't know what's happening, but...
-tears came on Sunday when I saw a very recent picture of her.
-her first name appeared on a waiting child list.
-the top-of-my-newsfeed news tonight was a friend who had a baby yesterday...named the same name.
I just want her to have a family so badly and for said family to want to be in contact with our son as badly as we want him to be in contact with her.
And if there is no "said family", then can I please be her mommy? Please?
Only God could make it happen. Then again, He IS a God who does some pretty cramazing things.
We shall see.
-tears came on Sunday when I saw a very recent picture of her.
-her first name appeared on a waiting child list.
-the top-of-my-newsfeed news tonight was a friend who had a baby yesterday...named the same name.
I just want her to have a family so badly and for said family to want to be in contact with our son as badly as we want him to be in contact with her.
And if there is no "said family", then can I please be her mommy? Please?
Only God could make it happen. Then again, He IS a God who does some pretty cramazing things.
We shall see.
Monday, December 2, 2013
Kid thanks is the best kind...
Tom and Beth were thankful for many things last week...can you guess which wrote which list?
My toys
My shoes
My class
God
My friends
My brothers
My dad
My mom
My sister
My teachers
Pretend kitchen
Friends
Art
Crayons
My stuffed animals
Stickers
Coloring books
The sprinkler
My family
My dollies
For Tom, it's all about the people, people! For our creative and imaginative girl, well....it's obvious.
And the mama is thankful for them both.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Dec 1 - The Thankful Game
I'm in the middle of reading 1000 Gifts, a book I've been told to read by so many people. It. is. wonderful.
Really.
God is speaking to my heart as I turn the pages, and I am grateful.
She calls it a thousand gifts. I'm calling it here "The Thankful Game". You know, there can be joy in anything....the good, easy things, of course. But also the painful, challenging things. How will I choose to give thanks during this advent season?
I mean, the truth is that on any given day, there are about a bizillion things for which to thank God.
Maybe even more than a bizillion.
In any given day, I can choose to look to the heavens, taking my circumstances and turning them into joy, or I can complain, whine, and walk around in defeat.
She is challenging me, that Ann Voskamp person! What she says resonates because she is putting into words the meditations of my heart over these last several years and then forcing me to go a step further.
I've definitely been missing the further.
The Thankful Game begins for me with a list of things remembered from this weekend alone. I will start the timer for 5 minutes and type. And..............go!
-time for reunioning with kids from India
-sitting around the dining room table with my family telling stories
-a brother and nephews to joke around with, even when I'm irritated with them
-my sister and her intentionality toward my son
-time with my mom and my sister, just the three of us
-the fact that my dad is still with us over two years after we almost lost him
-kids who are good travelers
-Chick-fil-A
-coke in a styrofoam cup....yum
-Skype for crossing oceans with a ring-ring
-laughter with Hoffbeast and the kids
-whining for pretend...just to prove a point...and laughing about it as we understood
-beautiful photographs that make me remember...
-difficult conversations that make you think
-watching my boys run around the block while my dad walked
-my mama's pumpkin pie
-advent calendars from Aunt Jill
And the list literally goes on. I'm stopping myself at the 5-minute mark, but my head and my heart keep going....and isn't that part of the point? That as I stop and look, I actually can see?
Give me eyes to see You during this Christmas season, Lord.
Really.
God is speaking to my heart as I turn the pages, and I am grateful.
She calls it a thousand gifts. I'm calling it here "The Thankful Game". You know, there can be joy in anything....the good, easy things, of course. But also the painful, challenging things. How will I choose to give thanks during this advent season?
I mean, the truth is that on any given day, there are about a bizillion things for which to thank God.
Maybe even more than a bizillion.
In any given day, I can choose to look to the heavens, taking my circumstances and turning them into joy, or I can complain, whine, and walk around in defeat.
She is challenging me, that Ann Voskamp person! What she says resonates because she is putting into words the meditations of my heart over these last several years and then forcing me to go a step further.
I've definitely been missing the further.
The Thankful Game begins for me with a list of things remembered from this weekend alone. I will start the timer for 5 minutes and type. And..............go!
-time for reunioning with kids from India
-sitting around the dining room table with my family telling stories
-a brother and nephews to joke around with, even when I'm irritated with them
-my sister and her intentionality toward my son
-time with my mom and my sister, just the three of us
-the fact that my dad is still with us over two years after we almost lost him
-kids who are good travelers
-Chick-fil-A
-coke in a styrofoam cup....yum
-Skype for crossing oceans with a ring-ring
-laughter with Hoffbeast and the kids
-whining for pretend...just to prove a point...and laughing about it as we understood
-beautiful photographs that make me remember...
-difficult conversations that make you think
-watching my boys run around the block while my dad walked
-my mama's pumpkin pie
-advent calendars from Aunt Jill
And the list literally goes on. I'm stopping myself at the 5-minute mark, but my head and my heart keep going....and isn't that part of the point? That as I stop and look, I actually can see?
Give me eyes to see You during this Christmas season, Lord.