From my heart...

Last year on this day, I experienced one of the absolute best moments of my life......when the ultrasound tech said, "Looks like there are two babies in there!" I smile now as I remember it......laughter and tears in that moment displaying the great JOY overflowing from my heart. Today, I am remembering with love and that same great joy the baby I carried along with his brother, Boaz......I miss you so much, Jonathan! You just have Heaven before we do....but we'll see you soon. Mixed with the joy, of course, is the great sadness that will only be undone in the end by the One who holds every tear. I have cried much these last few days, and today I am enjoying a reflective and quiet day at home surrounded by Christmas music, my thoughts, and my sweet baby Bo. May God be always praised in my every joy and every sadness....He reigns as King, and yet He entered our pain-stained world. Thank you, baby Jesus, for growing up, dying for me, understanding my grief, and making a way for the ashes to be traded for beauty.

From the mouths of babes...

Beth:  "Mom, do you know that we have two dads? One is always with us, and the other isn't."

Me: "Well, the other one is always with us, too. We just can't see Him." 

Beth: "Oh, that's what I meant. God is always with us. The other dad, the daddy who lives at home with us, he's not always here."

She understands...better than I do sometimes.

Ahhhhhhh....

I sigh.............

It's up.  It's not fully decorated yet, but at least the tree is up, and it has lights on it, and I can sit in the quiet with the blankets pulled up all around me and think and pray and process and wonder and worship.

I love this time of year.

A Crisis of Hair

"What should I get Hoffbeast for Christmas?", I asked Desi one recent evening when he was over at our house.

"I don't know....a haircut?"

------------

That's pretty funny, folks.  "Why?", you ask.

Because the hair...it is really getting out of control!  I think it's his mid-life crisis speaking, and as far as mid-life crises go, it's not that bad, that's for sure.  But seriously, something must be done soon!

Winter

It's winter time, and I think things will go easier for me if I just accept it.

After all, it's all about perspective: I can complain about the cold...or I can enjoy the warmth of the Christmas lights, the hot chocolate, and people I love sunk deep into the brown couches.

I can fret over the inconveniences that come with the dropping temperatures and blab to others about how annoyed I am with all the tracked in mud, ice, and slush on my wood floors...or I can quietly surrender to the what is.

I can dread the season...or I can embrace it for all its worth.

I can grieve what I have lost...or I can revel in what I've been given.

I feel weak and can see myself running toward the former...it is so much easier, after all. But my faith eyes want to live in the latter, the place of health, wholeness, dependence, and grace. Oh Lord, give me the strength to choose your easy yoke...

Could it be?

I don't know what's happening, but...

-tears came on Sunday when I saw a very recent picture of her.
-her first name appeared on a waiting child list.
-the top-of-my-newsfeed news tonight was a friend who had a baby yesterday...named the same name.

I just want her to have a family so badly and for said family to want to be in contact with our son as badly as we want him to be in contact with her.

And if there is no "said family", then can I please be her mommy? Please?

Only God could make it happen.  Then again, He IS a God who does some pretty cramazing things.

We shall see.

Kid thanks is the best kind...

Tom and Beth were thankful for many things last week...can you guess which wrote which list?

My toys

My shoes

My class

God

My friends

My brothers

My dad

My mom

My sister

My teachers

Pretend kitchen

Friends

Art

Crayons

My stuffed animals

Stickers

Coloring books

The sprinkler

My family

My dollies

For Tom, it's all about the people, people!  For our creative and imaginative girl, well....it's obvious.

And the mama is thankful for them both.

Dec 1 - The Thankful Game

I'm in the middle of reading 1000 Gifts, a book I've been told to read by so many people.  It. is. wonderful.

Really.

God is speaking to my heart as I turn the pages, and I am grateful.

She calls it a thousand gifts.  I'm calling it here "The Thankful Game".  You know, there can be joy in anything....the good, easy things, of course.  But also the painful, challenging things.  How will I choose to give thanks during this advent season?

I mean, the truth is that on any given day, there are about a bizillion things for which to thank God.

Maybe even more than a bizillion.

In any given day, I can choose to look to the heavens, taking my circumstances and turning them into joy, or I can complain, whine, and walk around in defeat.

She is challenging me, that Ann Voskamp person!  What she says resonates because she is putting into words the meditations of my heart over these last several years and then forcing me to go a step further.

I've definitely been missing the further.

The Thankful Game begins for me with a list of things remembered from this weekend alone.  I will start the timer for 5 minutes and type.  And..............go!

-time for reunioning with kids from India
-sitting around the dining room table with my family telling stories
-a brother and nephews to joke around with, even when I'm irritated with them
-my sister and her intentionality toward my son
-time with my mom and my sister, just the three of us
-the fact that my dad is still with us over two years after we almost lost him
-kids who are good travelers
-Chick-fil-A
-coke in a styrofoam cup....yum
-Skype for crossing oceans with a ring-ring
-laughter with Hoffbeast and the kids
-whining for pretend...just to prove a point...and laughing about it as we understood
-beautiful photographs that make me remember...
-difficult conversations that make you think
-watching my boys run around the block while my dad walked
-my mama's pumpkin pie
-advent calendars from Aunt Jill

And the list literally goes on.  I'm stopping myself at the 5-minute mark, but my head and my heart keep going....and isn't that part of the point?  That as I stop and look, I actually can see?

Give me eyes to see You during this Christmas season, Lord.

Thanksgiving weekend in Indiana

As usual when we travel "home", we had a great time....I always love going home.  Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my hometown, and getting to spend time with my family is often just what I need. Here are some photos from our time....I love you all and miss you already!

My beautiful mama with Beth and my great-niece, K

 Bart's first time in an exercauser!

 K with her mommy and daddy

Mom sent me to the garage to get something, and what did I find but a couple dozen egg cartons just hanging out waiting for what, I'm not sure.  Mom, do you have some big craft show coming up that I don't know about?!  #myparentsarehoarders  (Not exactly, but I do have to give my mom a hard time about this one!  I'm sure she's got a good reason.  Right, Mama?!?)  :)

Neil decided to try his hand at my climbing tree this year.  It is almost dead, as you can see, so it was fun to see him get up there while he still could!

Our Black Friday shopping involved just one late-afternoon stop...Target.  While Becky, Mom, and I kept shopping, the boys all waited at the front of the store.  The enthusiasm waned in direct proportion to the age of boy/man, from youngest to oldest.

Aunt Becky and Neil had some special aunt/nephew time together at our favorite local pizza place!

Later, Uncle Timmy helped Neil put together the new fussball table that he convinced Aunt Becky to buy.  (She's a total sucker for Neil.)  ;)

Because of the blur, you can't tell that Bart was totally laughing!!  Outright giggles coming from baby for Aunt Becky!  She is so good with kids, and her tradition of making babies giggle continues...

As usual, card games around the dining room table...

 

Bart was full of smiles for his extended family!

On Saturday, Mom, Bek, and I went shopping...Bart came with us, of course...

 ...and got a LOT of snuggle time with Aunt Becky!

 Before leaving town, a bit of Grandma time...

 ...complete with more Aunt Becky giggles!

Thank you for a wonderful weekend....much love from the north to my family in the lower north.  :)

Much for which to be...

Thankful for Mommy....and Daddy and brothers and sister and Jesus and....so many who have prayed for and held our little family up during this last year. God is faithful, and He gets the glory in our hearts today.

Gobble gobble!

Bart and I joined Tom and Beth for their Thanksgiving feast at school today!

Brrrrrrr!!

It's coooold in our kitchen this morning...Beth is eating oatmeal in her winter coat!

(By the way, when did my little girl grow up?  She looks so OLD in this picture!)

Glorious Unfolding Tour

After a wonderful Boxes of Love outreach day, Bart, Neil, and I drove just out of town to attend the Glorious Unfolding concert of one of my favorite artists ever, Steven Curtis Chapman.  We were privileged to represent Show Hope at the concert, and it was wonderful...so worshipful and so encouraging.  Again, Neil's picture flashed across the screen from our days at the orphanage in Addis Ababa, new son in daddy's arms.  This time, it was Mama's arms that were around him, so proud and thankful to call him mine.  God chose us for each other, and despite our struggles, I am so grateful every day for him.

While at the concert, I met another mom who has kiddos from the same orphanage in India as Tom.  I had first gotten into contact with Kathy way back when we were considering Tom's referral and learning about his special need.  One of her daughters was also born with amniotic banding, and she was so confident back in those days when she encouraged us to adopt him.  It was awesome to finally meet her and her daughters. Hopefully someday, we will be able to (re)introduce Tom to her daughters.

In another life, I would work for Show Hope!  They have such an amazing ministry of spreading the word about adoption as a reflection of the gospel and God's heart for His children!  We received grants twice due to the generous donors of Show Hope, and we were happy to be able to be at the concert asking others to be a part.

All was well until I learned the next day that Kathy had met SCC after the concert.  Wish someone would've told me that that was gonna happen!  Oh well....hopefully there will be another time, because I do want to say thanks.  Their family has blessed us in a thousand ways, and I'd love to introduce SCC to one of those ways (Tom this time...Neil met him when he was just a year old).

Rollover!

It's a milestone!  Here's what I wrote on my Facebook status tonight...

"Did I really just leave my baby in his bed, happily watching his mobile, and walk back in to find him ON HIS TUMMY??!?! I missed his first time rolling over....I can't believe it. But he ROLLED OVER! Isn't that great??! — feeling conflicted."

Our Cramazing May, Episode LIII: The Taj Mahal

Walking through this archway was a bit surreal.  Here I was, on the other side of the world from home, with my new son on my hip, about to catch my first glimpse of a building I'd seen a thousand times in pictures.  It was really strange.  

Of course, the off-brand Dramamine might have helped make it seem more strange than it really was.

A walk through the arch, and then...

...the Taj Mahal!

It's hard to describe its beauty...at least with my limited vocabulary.  The grounds surrounding the Taj were beautiful, but the building itself was so majestic that it was hard to notice much else.

We had made it!  Our decision-making and back-and-forth had culminated in our actually being there.  And despite the troubles of the day, I certainly am glad that we had the experience, if only for this one picture, one of my favorites of the whole trip...

Before we traveled to India, I had seen photo after photo of forever families standing in this exact spot.  And now it was our turn...cramazing.  I love this photo!

Interestingly, when Tom sees a picture of the Taj, he thinks that that's where he was born.  Too funny!

What is really interesting to me about the above picture is how white everything is.  We knew it would be hot, so I suppose we all wore light colors for that reason, but in the end, we all had on white shirts, and the white stone of the Taj stands against a white sky.  I have seen pictures of the Taj at various times in the day and with various kinds of sky behind it....on this particular day, the sky and the building collaborated to match our attire!  :)

Hoffbeast getting the history of the Taj from TG...

Look how tiny the people are next to the massive building....it is positively one of the most beautiful structures I've ever seen!  It's the combination of white marble and inlaid jeweled stones that makes it so gorgeous, and I'm so glad we got to see it up close and personal.  I definitely understand its Seven Wonders status.

I wish I could remember all that TG told us about the Taj, but my poor memory on all things historical combined with the meds leaves me wanting.

Look what Tom found...a chipmunk!  I remember thinking that of all the chipmunks I've seen drawn in comics and portrayed in cartoons, I don't remember actually seeing many of them in person.  Had to go all the way to India to see a live chipmunk!

We were required to wear protective coverings over our shoes as we walked into the Taj.  Either that or take our shoes off.  No thank you.

Even with the shoe coverings, necessary for protecting the marble from dirt, mud, gum, and anything else that might get tracked in, the steps up to the Taj interior were depressed, stained forever by years and years and years of tourists walking up them.

Upon entering the tomb proper (for that is what the Taj Mahal is, after all), TG whipped out his handy dandy pocket flashlight and showed us the beauty of the Fire Stone, one of many inlaid stones used in the Taj design.

The Fire Stones adorn much of the interior....so intricate and beautiful!

At TG's urging, Rex got in on the action.  It was probably the favorite part of our day for him, my young son who knew more about the Taj upon arrival than I possibly did.  You can tell how HOT it was that day because, well, Rex hardly ever sweats, and he was sweating big time that day!

Keep in mind that Rex is a fact guy, and he had read several books already that touched upon the significance of the Taj.  (Plus, the Little Einsteins went there in their favorite Rocket ship!)

Finally, we came to the actual tombs.  Sort of.  Turns out that the bodies were actual buried way below the ground's surface.  According to TG, tradition says that the Shah and his wife were actually buried seven stories below the sarcophaguses in which most people believe their remains, uh...remain.

The larger sarcophagus (on the left) is the Shah's; the smaller one next to his belongs to his wife.

Have I said how amazing the architecture and the carvings were?  To think how long it took to build and how many people worked on it.....astounding!  I really wish we could have stayed longer and really taken it all in.  But with TG, time was a-wastin' and we had to move on!

On either side of the actual mausoleum, there was another, smaller-but-still-ornate building.  If it wasn't over two years since I'd been there by now, I could probably tell more about these buildings; as it is, I don't remember much.  

What I DO remember, however, is that it was right around the time we were looking at this building that a group of young men came up and wanted to take a picture with Rex.  Now, mind you, he had been getting A LOT of stares already, so this was kind of the last straw for me, and I went into Mama Bear mode.  "No, you can't take his picture!  You can have one of the whole family, but NOT one of just him!"  Never mind, they seemed to say.  Plus I think they were a little shocked at my tenacity.

It was strange for him to be getting so much attention.  He wasn't sure what to do with it and definitely was a little scared, especially when different people started grabbing his arms and trying to get him to pose for the camera.  It was strange for us, too, but especially for me, as Hoffbeast was busy trying to appease TG while he tried desperately to keep us on schedule--his schedule, that is.  :(

In looking back, maybe we should have just let them take the pictures.  But on that day, Rex felt protected by his mom and dad who went to bat for him and his safety, and that's a good thing!

I leave you with one last, sad picture.  In this one, we are standing on the porch of the Taj, and while the three of use were doing just fine, Tom was done.  Absolutely finished, wanting nothing more to do with our day in Agra.
Hey, at least he had a Moby wrap to relax in.

(That's a joke.  All Moby wrap wearers may now laugh hysterically at my poor effort.)

Grace and Tears

I've been doing a lot of thinking about baby Aaron recently.  The grief ebbs and flows, of course, and I feel myself heading into an ebb.

Or is it a flow?

Either, way...it was just about a year ago that we got pregnant, and unbeknownst to us, the God of the universe was forming two babies from one fertilized, microscopic egg.

A miracle.  Two miracles.  TWO miracles.  We had been hoping to be pregnant for months by this point last year, but month after month, cycle after cycle, the answer was no.

And then.....our gifts.

I'm a sentimental girl, so it's no surprise that my heart is venturing to the place of remember.

And even in that place, He is there, so I go with grace and tears and The God Who Sees.

The Seat - A Lookback

This bouncy seat has seen much action over the last decade plus, entertaining some of my favorite little people on the planet with its motion, music, and lights.  I took this picture of Bart this morning and felt like going on a little walk down memory lane...

Here are our bio babies at 4 months...

Bart - Nov. 18, 2013

 Beth - June 12, 2008

Rex - Nov. 1, 2002

They all look so similar, but it is fairly obvious that Bart looks more like Beth than Rex when you look at these photos.  I wonder if Bart will be as stoic as our Beth is?  When I look at the above picture of her, she seems so different than the little person she has become, but when I look at Rex's picture, his personality of today jumps right out at me, as it always did then.  Expressive from day one!

I know Rex and Beth as they are today, but all I know of Bart is what I see in that picture....and I love every bit of it!  He is the sweetest baby I know (currently)!  Seriously, could he be any sweeter?  I just love him to pieces!

Mommy's Little Pumpkin

Well, that's what he is...my little pumpkin.  I find myself wanting to munch on him all day when he wears this sleeper.  

That's not strange, is it? ;)

Neighbor Love!

I had such a great time today with my surprise visitors...Jamica and her daughters, Shawna and D, used to be neighbors of ours.  Although "friends" on Facebook, I rarely see them anymore in person, so what fun it was to have them show up at my door!  Thanks so much for stopping by, ladies...hope to see you again soon!!!

All Five

Our happy little fleet after school one day...

Beauti-FALL

These are the burning bushes at the corner of our house...thanks to Jeff and Jamie Pytlinski for blessing us with them after Hunt passed away and to Greg and Marcia Lilley for helping us get them planted all those years ago...they are now mature enough that we can really enjoy their beauty and remember His grace when we do.

Visiting Familia

Hoffbeast with his sister, Jill, and her family. Had a wonderful time with them--as usual--while they visited from England. Miss them already!

Halloween

The American cousins trick-or-treating with the English cousins in tow. It was a drizzly-which-turned-to-full-on-rainy night, and fun and memories were had by all...

This year, we had a coyote (Tom), a princess (what-a-surprise-Beth), a Native American Chief (Neil), a slice of Pi (Rex), and a doctor (cousin M).

After a momentary afternoon panic on the part of Mama, thinking we weren't going to be able to finish the costumes on time, we pulled it out, and in the end, we really had a great time.  Neil wore a pillow case costume drawn by my mom and worn by one of us kids years ago when I was little.  The upside...it was awesome.  The downside...non-permanent marker + rain = a destroyed costume.  

Sad.  :(  At least we got pictures, and he enjoyed every minute of it.  Thanks, Grandma, for your constant contributions to our kiddos.  Maybe next year, we can borrow the Daniel Boone cap.  :)

13 Weeks!

Hello, world! My name is Bart, and I'm 13 weeks old today! My mom says I can't wear this premie-sized onesie anymore cuz I've finally outgrown it...I'm huge!!!