Caringbridge - 31 weeks

My belly is moving constantly.  It's amazing.  I know I say that a lot, but I mean it.  How can a living person living inside another living person not be amazing every single time?

I think I might have just run across a spiritual analogy.

Six more weeks.  That's it.  Six weeks ago, we had our ministry banquet. That seems like yesterday.  Six weeks is less than 50 days.  Six weeks seems like a blip on the screen of time....it is, really.  Here we were, wondering and watching, tempted to worry but trying desperately to trust well, and all the while, God knew where we would be today.

And he knows every moment that the next six weeks holds.

I am doing well.  Physically, I am just like any other pregnant woman at 31 weeks--at least, I'm the way I have been every other pregnancy at 31 weeks.  I'm active, I'm keeping up with my children, I am managing our household (mostly), and I'm participating in life with as much involvement as possible.  Today, I ran--literally--to the bus stop with our summer project students as we made our way on a city adventure.  The bus was almost at the stop, and we needed to catch it.  So we ran!  And I had the thought, "I can't believe I'm running!"  To be able to be as physically active as I am now....I still can't really believe how well I'm doing.

I am aware--believe me--that that could change at any time, but for these moments, every one, I am thankful.

Emotionally, I am well by God's grace alone.  I will never get used to the fact that Aaron is more and more difficult to find on the ultrasound screen--it's painful every time.  And yet, I have gotten to the point where I expect it and can prepare before going in...and be okay. Yesterday, I had a new ultrasound tech, and I had to point out where he was for her.  I consider it a little bit of taking care of my baby...one of the only things that I can do.  I will speak of his life whenever the opportunity arises, as he is important, valuable, and treasured--forever.

Having said all of that, I can also say that the reality that I will, Lord willing, hold Bart soon is becoming increasingly exciting by the day. A friend from church had a baby a couple of weeks ago, and I was able to hold him on Sunday.  Tears came like a gushing river, and there was absolutely nothing to do but hold him tight and let them flow. She was kind and loving and understanding, and my appreciation for her grew even more.  She let me cry, she let me grieve, all the while holding her precious son, knowing that the joy I felt at his safe arrival was in that moment intimately tied into the pain I felt that I would never hold Aaron.  

At the same time, I cried because I was staring at the vulnerable, life that is sustained only and ultimately by our Father, and I was keenly aware that I will only have the privilege of having Bart with me if God allows it.

Oh, Lord, by your grace and for your glory, will you please allow it?

Bart is so beautiful.  Every time I see him on the screen, I fall more and more in love with my boys.  I can't wait to kiss his sweet little lips!

Six weeks.  That's no time at all.