Thirty weeks. Seventy-five percent through the pregnancy. Months ago, news that brought happy tears, followed weeks later by a very different kind of weeping.
And here we are.
People ask how I am doing. Really, I am doing quite well in most ways. How could I not be so grateful that my baby is doing so well, considering the dire situation in which we found him and his brother just a short time ago?
But, at the same time, how could I not be sad at the reality that I will never know my other baby this side of Heaven?
God is my refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble. It is in Him that I find my life, my breath, my being, and certainly in these times, my strength to keep walking. People say that I am strong; no, He is strong, and as I stay attached to the vine, His strength is infused in me....and He makes me brave.
"You make me brave, You make me strong.
I'm not afraid; You've been here all along.
In my weakness, You're my strength and my song.
You make me brave." --Out of the Grey
We are getting close (I hope) to finalizing their names. It has been a struggle, as is typical for us. I'm not sure why we have such a hard time naming our children, but we do. Perhaps we both sense the importance of a name and don't want to back away from our opinions? I am praying that God will give us the right names in time.
Today, I had my first of the twice-weekly appointments that I will have for the rest of the pregnancy. I started with an ultrasound at the perinatologist's office. Dr. W has become much more tolerable in his bedside manners as the situation has stabilized...and maybe even almost kind. It is his way, and as often is the case with people you encounter in a professional situation, we have just sort of had to get used to him. Today, I thanked him for taking such good care of us...and I meant it. For all the awkwardness, discomfort, and pain of the beginning appointments, he seems to have a good eye for what is actually happening, and I am thankful for that. He is still so studious each time around...I have no doubt that he is telling me the most accurate information that he possibly can.
This morning, an amazingly sweet thing occurred during the ultrasound. First, you must understand that Aaron is very small now, especially in comparison to the size of Bart. Aaron could almost be held in Bart's hands at this point. So while Dr. W was looking at Aaron, checking out the blood flow, the screen jiggled and suddenly, a hand appeared in the picture. It was Bart, reaching out to his brother. And while we watched, Dr. W studying intensely the whole time, Bart cupped his little hand up around Aaron's body, almost as if to protect him. It was precious, and tears come now as I think of it. He absolutely is aware of his brother, and it is beautiful to me.
It was especially interesting because, as you know, most of the time, babies are in the "fetal position" in utero; their arms and legs are rarely stretched out away from their bodies. But here was Bart, definitely and intentionally stretching out to be near Aaron. I will never forget seeing that, and as I've said before, I am so thankful for these glimpses into their world.
For his part, Bart is doing amazingly well...he weighs almost 3.5 pounds now! All of his body parts are there, and the 3D images we saw today were nothing short of awesome! He really look so much like Beth...it's crazy to me that we can tell that at this point! I wonder if he will have red hair, too!?
After the ultrasound, I headed down to my OB's office for a Non-Stress Test (NST). During an NST, a monitor is put on the belly to record the movement and heart rate of baby. A twinge of sadness, of course, when I had to inform the nursing assistant that she didn't need two monitors, as she normally would for twins. There is no second heartbeat to find, I informed her. She was very kind and hugged me. I couldn't ask for a more sensitive response, but these are the moments that it hurts again. Another one came later when I had to speak with the financial counselor, who informed me that she is the mother of twin boys. "That's awesome!" I exclaimed. "It's interesting," she countered.
I wanted to shake her and say, "NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND...IT'S AWESOME, AND YOU NEED TO BE THANKFUL EVERY MOMENT FOR THE INTERESTING!"
When my hour on the NST monitor was over, Dr. M came in to see me and ask if I had any questions. She is a wonderful doctor--have I said recently how much I love my OBs?! We talked about when I might deliver....we haven't nailed down a specific date, but it looks like if all continues the way it's been going, we will likely schedule a c-section between 37 (July 24) and 39 weeks (Aug. 7). I will be pushing for closer to 37.
That's the update from here. Of course there is more to say, but all that will have to wait for another time. I have again been more encouraged than I can say by the way the Lord puts us on the hearts of people to pray and reach out in specific ways and at specific times. I definitely haven't responded to most messages I've received or said thank you enough, so again and again.....thank you.
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