I feel like we're pretty different most of the time. He is rough-and-tumble, competitive, athletic, and really likes to eat--a lot. And he's anything but compliant. I'm not always compliant now, but I sure was when I was a little girl. I've never been too athletic, although I do like to try, but few people would describe me as competitive. And I don't eat that much--at least, not when I was little, I didn't.
But tonight, something hit me.
We're actually a lot alike, at least in one area.....our desire for control.
I have seen it in him since he first came home almost six years ago. And I know that I struggle with areas of control. But I've never seen--or noticed--the two bumping up against each other like they did tonight.
He knows how to push my buttons, that's for sure, but that's where the description usually ends for me. Tonight, I saw a relationship between my need for control and his ability to push. It goes like this:
I give an instruction. He pushes back and won't comply. I require compliance. He won't comply still. I get angry because he won't do what I'm asking and because my time is now being taken up with such a silly little thing that is turning into something much bigger than is necessary. He continues his refusal. I apply consequences. He screams or cries, vying for control. I get irritated by his fit and end up yelling, being harsh, or something else that results in a quick erasure of the smile I likely had on my face before this whole thing began.
It happened today. Quite a few times. Not an easy day with my Neil.
I love him with a passion--a deep, rich, passionate passion that I'm having trouble describing in words. I can close my eyes and feel my love for him, but I can't write it out. A mother's love...that's the way it often is, I suppose. Deeper and more real and more solid and more committed than words do justice. Just a tiny, dim reflection of the kind of love the Father has for us...a kind of love that couldn't be described in words but only in actions. It needed a cross to illustrate it fully. And on the cross, Jesus laid down His life for me, readily giving up control so that I could have life.
Am I willing to do the same for my son? Lord, help me to reflect Your kind of love to my precious little boy...thank you for my son, Neil. He is my guy, and I wouldn't trade him for all the control in the world.
But tonight, something hit me.
We're actually a lot alike, at least in one area.....our desire for control.
I have seen it in him since he first came home almost six years ago. And I know that I struggle with areas of control. But I've never seen--or noticed--the two bumping up against each other like they did tonight.
He knows how to push my buttons, that's for sure, but that's where the description usually ends for me. Tonight, I saw a relationship between my need for control and his ability to push. It goes like this:
I give an instruction. He pushes back and won't comply. I require compliance. He won't comply still. I get angry because he won't do what I'm asking and because my time is now being taken up with such a silly little thing that is turning into something much bigger than is necessary. He continues his refusal. I apply consequences. He screams or cries, vying for control. I get irritated by his fit and end up yelling, being harsh, or something else that results in a quick erasure of the smile I likely had on my face before this whole thing began.
It happened today. Quite a few times. Not an easy day with my Neil.
I love him with a passion--a deep, rich, passionate passion that I'm having trouble describing in words. I can close my eyes and feel my love for him, but I can't write it out. A mother's love...that's the way it often is, I suppose. Deeper and more real and more solid and more committed than words do justice. Just a tiny, dim reflection of the kind of love the Father has for us...a kind of love that couldn't be described in words but only in actions. It needed a cross to illustrate it fully. And on the cross, Jesus laid down His life for me, readily giving up control so that I could have life.
Am I willing to do the same for my son? Lord, help me to reflect Your kind of love to my precious little boy...thank you for my son, Neil. He is my guy, and I wouldn't trade him for all the control in the world.
3 comments:
Amen!!
Oh Sarah, how I can relate!
Good insight, Sarah! I remember a particular boy in my class the year I taught 1st grade who could push my buttons in just that way. One day I had a revelation that really helped me (I may have told you this before): I looked him in the eye & said, "Do you know who's in control in this classroom? It's not you...(he looked like he was thinking 'that's what you think')...and it's not me...(he looked surprised). It's God." Somehow that took the whole fight out of both of our courts. There was no point in the two of us battling it out for control, when neither one of us would ever win out over the One who already had all of the control!
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