My Thoughts...on Cyberpaper

I need some space to write.  Not a place...I have that already.  Two of them, actually.  Here...and, of course, my journal.  Two kids and a blog ago, I used to spend lots of time writing in my journal, but now journal writing has been reduced to going to the Lord only in crisis and pouring out my heart to Him there.

Without regular time to write out my prayers and my thoughts, I am left with a jumbled mess of someday-maybe-I-will-record-this-thought thoughts and I-need-some-time-to-process-this-thing-that-I'm-learning-but-I-have-no-time times.

On my heart today...

I have a dear friend who has been going through a crisis herself.  Watching her and feeling her pain has been emotionally exhausting.  I wouldn't have it any other way, mind you.  After all, the "watching" and the "feeling" is what makes a friend a friend.  I am thankful for her and glad that I've been chosen to walk alongside her.  But my heart is often very heavy about her situation; that is just the reality.  What does that mean about my own lack of faith?

Our son.  (And a smile creeps across the face.)  He sits in India, waiting for his family.  Okay that's not really true.  In reality, he is playing and laughing and loving life right now....with no idea what is about to happen to him.  Lord, prepare us.  Prepare him.  What I haven't mentioned on here is that on Feb. 5, our case passed court in India, and according to their government, we are officially Jagat's guardians!  We got word of Verbal Guardianship on Feb. 7 (Beth's birthday!), and we have been waiting for the written order ever since.  Once the orphange receives the written order, they will apply for his passport, and once they get that, we can GO GET HIM!  It is getting so close!  And yet, somehow it still feels so, so far away.

Yesterday I had a good conversation with Steve, a guy I worked with on the Staff Conference Team during our last summer in Colorado.  We talked about different roles that I might have this summer, and after we got off the phone, it occurred to me that I didn't even mention Jag and the reality that I might not even be going to Colorado, much less working on the SCT.  Granted, Steve technically knows about him, but the reality that Jag didn't even enter the conversation unnerved me just a bit.  I am his legal guardian, and soon I will be his mama(!), and I didn't even mention his homecoming??!

It just made me realize that I still kind of don't really believe that this is happening.  It's funny--I've been through it before.  I know how this goes.  I know the anticipation that comes with the wait just before the meeting.  I know the anxiety that arrises on the plane on the way over.  I know the chaos that occurs when packing for an international trip.  I know the huge job that it is to check this box and check that box.  The details, details, details of making the next few months happen.  And yet, I'm. Just. Kind. Of. In. Denial.

Of course, not being in our house still doesn't help.  I did go over to check on the job yesterday, and 4 of the 16 radiators are hooked up.  We're 25% of the way there!  That's exciting.  It is.  But this whole thing has taken a emotional toll, for sure.  We haven't spent the night in our house since December 6.  It's March.  Oh, how thankful, thankful we are for our friends, Tim and Andrea.  What would we have done without them?  How would we have adjusted, having to move from one place to the other all through these months?

Frustrations loom.  Paint is rubbed off the walls where they leaned the "new" radiators without covering them.  The floor is scratched and water-damaged in multiple places.  The carpets are filthy.  Filthy.  I am so frustrated with contractors in general.  They don't know how to plan.  They just don't.  They jump into the job without thinking about the steps.  And my house gets the "blessing" of this method.

And have I mentioned that there is a 3-month science experiment growing in the refrigerator?

(Yes, that part is my bad, but when your house is 25 degrees on the inside, you don't exactly want to hang out there doing much cleaning.)

We had an amazing trip to Florida.  It really was wonderful.  And for the first week back, I experienced what I like to call PVD....post-vacation depression.  It was tough being back.  But we've recovered, sort of, and we are just trying to live day by day until we can get back home and get Jag here with us.

In the meantime, our team has our fiscal year planning retreat next week, where we ask God to show us His plans for our next year.  We take time to assess what we've been able to accomplish in the last year and look forward to what He will do through us in the next.  Right now it sounds exhausting, but I know it needs to be done.  And at the conclusion, we will all head up north for a couple of days of fun in the snow and NO planning whatsoever!

We have 13 intern applicants in the process, so the rest of my day (Tuesdays are my office days.) will be spent corresponding with folks regarding their process.

Oh, and going to check on the house.

And applying for our visas to India.

Just a couple other things.

I needed some space.  This wasn't enough, but it was a really good start.  I guess a chair at Starbuck's and my grande 140-degree hot cocoa with hazelnut and lightly toasted bagel did the trick.

Lord, you are my strength and my portion forever.  May I never think that my help comes from anywhere but You.  Continue to break down my idols so that I see You as the most beautiful and most precious thing in my life.  You are worthy of my worship and my good work today.  Amen.