Caringbridge #8

Oh how I wish that I could look each of you in the eye and thank you in person for your prayers and notes of encouragement.  Here, on Facebook, over email...there have been so many ways that they have come, and I am grateful for each one.

Tomorrow we have yet another ultrasound.  People ask how we are doing, and we really are doing okay, undergirded and held together by the loving hand of the Father who is using the prayers of His people to do mighty things.

Tonight, a few prayer requests...

-Pray that we can get confirmation of the babies' gender tomorrow.

-Pray that God will give us the perfect names for Aaron and Bart.

-Pray that Aaron will continue to grow only to an extent that he doesn't endanger Bart anymore.  As of now, his growth is such that we have canceled our trip to Cincinnati.  We are extremely grateful that the hard decisions that we could be faced with appear to be off the table; yet, that gratitude comes with the knowledge that we will never hold our child....that is a very difficult reality.

Tonight, there is a family at our church who is grieving the sudden loss of their mother/wife.  Laura was hospitalized on the very day that we received our painful news back in January.  Would you please pray for her family?  She has been taken off life support, and they are waiting for the end...which of course, is only the beginning.

Goodnight for now...

Created with Purpose

I’m a doodler.  If you took a look at the margins of my class notes from years past, or church bulletins, or napkins, or my journal—any number of places, really—you would see doodles.   I’m no artist, mind you, so my doodles are mostly geometric shapes or attempts at new fonts or maybe just intricate scribbles.  Sometimes once the doodle is done, it occurs to me that I didn’t have a plan when starting the doodle—it just kind of ended up taking shape over time—and sometimes it turns out to be pretty interesting (as far as doodles go).

The picture of the doodle is a microcosm of my creative structuring…I rarely have much more than a vague plan, but over time, the creative thing takes shape—paint in a room, a decorated cake, a blog post.  It’s how I’m wired.  Uniquely and creatively formed…just like my Father planned.

He, on the other hand, had a design.  And a purpose.  And since His plans cannot be thwarted, I can know that His plans for me will be completed.

Our babies have a purpose.  They were designed by our Creator with meaning, and the plans He has for them will be completed.

We are working on baby names.  Being the name nerd that I am, it is particularly important to me that these babies have names which express the heart of the Father toward them.  I look down at my pregnant belly, and it still is astounding to me that God made two babies out of one egg and put them in my womb!  I saw a set of identical twin girls today…I suppose it will be even more strange as time goes on, but as I suspected would happen, I did a double-take.  I want so badly to see Aaron and Bart walking together, holding hands, reflecting each other as in a mirror.

But it is not to be.  God could do a miracle—of course He could—but the likelihood is that His plan for little Aaron is being completed now.  Love grown even in imperfection.  Beauty born out of loss.  Purpose where the world says none exists. 

God, do your thing.  Use our child and our little family in the way you see fit.  Will you grow us, change us, make us more like you?  Cause us to ooze compassion as we see others travel through the valley of the shadow of death.  Make us more aware of the grief that accompanies this broken place, if only to join you, Jesus, even a small bit in your suffering.

And then, give us hope.  Hope that you are sovereign.  That you are good.  That you have plans we cannot see.  That you have not forgotten us or left us or forsaken us in any way.

And where we doubt, give us faith to believe what You say is true.  Where we lack, give us what we need.  And where we grieve, fill our hearts with your peace.

You are good…you are good…and your love, endureth forever.  Amen.

Caringbridge #7

Tuesday seems to be the day that I write.  You all are so kind oto pray for us so faithfully and to write such dear and sincere comments.  I am thankful.

I was talking to a friend on the phone the other day, and she asked if there was one thing that someone has done that has been especially helpful.  Yes, there have been many...

Yesterday, I received a package in the mail.  It was from a supporter whose church has a prayer shawl ministry where they knit shawls for people going through difficult things.  As they knit, they pray.  The shawl is beautiful and warm, and I am so grateful for this tangible act of love.

I found the blog of another mom who has gone through the same kind of pregnancy that we are.  Every word she wrote (which I read in practically one sitting) resonated within my heart and was very helpful as we walked the early days of this diagnosis.  In addition, our staff friends, Brad and Michelle, have also walked this road before us.  Having them in our corner is incredibly reassuring, not because their outcome was desired, but because they have been there...and they understand.

A woman I didn't previously know very well at church has taken up our cause.  She has chosen to not say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help," which is what most people--including me--say in crisis times.  She, instead, has been proactive in helping and in showing signs of love, prayer, and overall concern.  She has prepared a meal, organized a prayer meeting, given me her extra pre-natal vitamins, researched possible doctors for me, and in the most amazing and tangible way, she and some friends are also knitting and praying.  They are praying through Psalm 139 as they knit palm-sized hearts and ask God to knit Aaron a new heart.  Just today, she updated a FB page that she created for the prayer meeting that's happening on Wednesday, and the profile pic?  Two little red knit hearts.  Amazing.

My friend, Nicole, has made me feel cute with her MANY maternity clothes that she has loaned me.  When we talk, we don't always talk about the sad; we talk about fashion.  It's tangible.  And she made me my favorite chicken salad sandwiches for lunch one day, too.

A high school classmate with whom I am "friends" on Facebook, took the time to write and share her story.  I barely know her, but she took the time to write and share and pray and believe and encourage. 

I could keep going.  Tangible acts of love are coming at us from every angle.  To each of you who have reached out...thank you.  And even if you are simply reading and not commenting, thank you...your thoughts and prayers are appreciated more than you know.

Christmas trees and other stuff

It's late.  It's quiet.  I'm writing.

The Christmas tree stands to my left.  Yes, it is after Valentine's Day, and the Christmas tree is still up.  Pretty sure this is our latest ever....except maybe the year that our boiler went out and we had to leave our house for 3 months.  The tree might have still been here at the end of March that year.  Anway, it's ridiculous, and I am soooo hoping that the Hub can move it out of here tomorrow.  Not his fault, though, that it's still up.  It's mine...and it wouldn't be coming down even tomorrow if it weren't for my dear friend, Kara, taking the decorations down for me.  THANK YOU, KARA!

It's cold in here.  But not nearly as cold as it could be if our heat wasn't working, so boy oh boy, I am thankful!  I have been enjoying frequent warm baths at night; they make me happy.  I like being warm, and I'm not warm very often in our house.  I was thinking today how much I prefer the hot, sweaty days of summer to the cold, frigid-to-the-bones days of winter.  Spring is around the corner, and I can't wait!

Neil's Gotcha Day was in January, and Tom's is coming up in May.  Remember how I gave myself one year to get the story of our India trip written down?  And how once the one year mark came, I gave myself more time?  Well, if I don't get this story written by baby's arrival, it's not gonna get written.  I. must. focus.

My pregnancy is always on my heart....and yet, I have this shift happening in my mind, the need to get myself together and think about others again.  I feel like my outside-the-womb kids have suffered a bit from my inattentiveness, especially the Bigs, and it's time to make sure that that doesn't keep happening.

There is so much going on right now...so much.  I am so incredibly thankful that God never changes, that He sits on His throne with all sovereignty and love, and that He is trustworthy.

Goodnight.

Caringbridge #6

I'm not sure quite why this update has been so hard to write.  I think it's because it feels like once I say it out loud, it becomes more real.

Friday's appointment was hard...again.  They're all hard this go-around.  Maybe it won't always be that way, but for now, it is.  Each time we go, we sort of hold our breath.  A mom who's gone before us in this exact diagnosis described the appointments that way, and it's pretty accurate.  You wait, you watch, you wait, you listen...and then you breathe.  Breathe and try to take in all of what you just heard.

The blood supply to Aaron is decreasing, and it just may be that our beloved child is already with Jesus.  Either that or he's on his way soon.  His growth had slowed by quite a bit, and it was obvious to us that his movements had changed drastically.

Two weeks ago, we saw a beautiful glimpse into a lovely little world.  At least, to our twins, it was lovely.  Life and death juxtaposed, but to them, bliss.  The way it was.  Normal.  Kicking at each other, playing together, living life side by side.

This time, Bart moved and jabbed and flipped and lived.  He looks great, and I am starting to get excited about finding out whether or not these babies are actually boys or girls!

But Aaron was quiet.  He didn't move very much this time, and it was obvious that there wasn't much blood flow going to him anymore.

The way this works, things seem to change each time, so who knows?  We could go back in two weeks and be right back where we were before.  But at this point, today, it looks like our trip to Cincinnati is on hold and could be canceled altogether.  If Aaron's growth continues to be slowed, we will likely be able to proceed with the pregnancy as "normal", watching closely, of course, and getting prepared for what could likely be pre-term labor.

We have prayed that God would give our baby a new heart.  Perhaps this is how He is answering.  When Aaron is Home with his Maker, he will be whole, complete, and new.  Maybe that's now. 

So we praise God for the saddest thing imaginable--losing our child.  That alone is another whole post which I will save for another time.  For now, please continue to pray as God leads...thank you.

Caringbridge Update #5

It is Tuesday, and we are three days away from our next appointment.  You all have been so faithful in praying, and I know that God is using you to sustain our family during this time.
I realize that I still haven't told you about the laughter...

Saturday, Jan. 26, was Thad's Gotcha Day--7 years since the day we met him in person...and he was in our arms forever after that.  We made him feel super special that day (went to his basketball game in the morning, had Ethiopian/East African food for lunch, followed it with a trip to Cold Stone for dessert, then topped off the night with dinner with Grandma and aunt, uncle, and cousins), and while we did, we all felt special...as a family.  God has blessed us greatly, and as my four stuffed their little faces with ice cream and imagined their way down State Street in Madison, I felt so thankful.

Dinner with Jeff's family that night was hilarious--it was one of those nights where the conversation takes an unexpected turn toward a random topic that dominates and fills the room with memories and smiles and...it was just really funny, each person taking their turn making everyone else laugh.  I needed that.

That night, we were able to talk with a Christian perinatologist that my friend, Schelli, had hooked us up with.  This doctor is ardently pro-life and volunteers his time with a network of crisis pregnancy centers that Schelli works with.  The conversation was certainly not fun, but it was very, very helpful, and I hung up the phone grateful for the connection and for the information that he was able to give us.  In short, he agreed with the probable diagnosis of our peri, but hearing his description of the options that we have was good...it was important for me to hear what is being proposed--like it or not--from someone who values life from its very beginning.  Perhaps the most helpful thing he did was connect us with a particular doctor in Cincinnati that he is recommending...we are confident that seeing him will be an important part of this process.

The next week, my teammate and dear friend, Kara, had a birthday, and a few of us joined her for dinner and a movie.  Apparently, Chili's got a heads-up that I was coming, because the music they were playing was right up my alley.  We sang and laughed at memories that the songs brought up and enjoyed our time together so much.  Seems like a little thing, but music sets the mood so often, and it was great.  I wasn't expecting to laugh that much, but good times with good friends is good for the heart.

Speaking of my heart, I'm asking God to set my heart on Him and to help me to choose joy each morning--joy that He has given us the gift of these babies and that they are still with us today.  Joy that I have so much for which to be thankful.  Joy in my salvation found in Christ.  Joy in the hemming in before and behind (Psalm 139) and the wisdom that God is giving as He guides us along this journey.

Keep praying, please...

Caringbridge #4

I'm so tired. As usual, nighttime has fallen, and I am too worn out for a long post. But I would appreciate your prayers for a few things...

-Jeff is out of town this week. Please pray for me and the kids as we do life without him for the next several days. And pray for him, that his time in Texas at our HLIC leadership conference would be both productive and refreshing.
-Our next ultrasound is Friday, but Jeff's plane isn't scheduled to arrive until evening. Pray that he would be able to fly standby earlier in the day so that we can go to our 3 pm ultrasound together.
-Pray that God would lead us clearly as we walk on this journey.
-I'm still having frequent headaches.
-I've been quite emotional again the last few days...

Thanks for praying!