Caringbridge - A near-perfect day!

I know--I'm writing twice in 24 hours.  What's up?  I was so tired last night that I only wrote about the baby blankets, but there is more to say, so I want to say it.  :)

Today was a near-perfect day...and I am grateful.  First off, the weather was just the way I like it--68 degrees and slightly overcast.  I slept in, saw the boys off to school, and got the house all picked up and essential housework done by 10 a.m., when the Littles and I went out to the backyard to enjoy the day.  They scootered around me while I started my new Bible study called "Meet Jesus".  It is a study on the book of John, and as a 13-week study, I realized that it will take me all the way to delivery and beyond.  That. is. a. weird. feeling.

How am I at 26 weeks already??!  It's like I've been in this pregnancy for so long and yet at the same time, the time now seems to be flying by.  It's May 9th....and I'm feeling so much better than I would have imagined.

Last Friday, our ministry had our annual fund-development fellowship banquet.  So many people asked how I am doing and said that they had been praying.  My response over and over was, "Back on Jan. 18, I didn't even know if I would be at this banquet, much less feeling as well as I am!"  It's really incredible, and I'm so thankful.

At BSF yesterday morning, we were talking about the life of Joseph, and one of the women in my group made the observation that Joseph did not waste emotional energy during his times of trial.  For some reason, it struck a chord in me--one that needed to be struck, I think. Have I wasted emotional energy during this trial?  I hope not....but either way, I don't want to anymore.

So I feel like yesterday was some sort of a turning point.  Sorrow turned to joy.  Not that there won't be more sorrow....there will, as my tears yesterday showed.  I miss my Aaron already....so much.  I watched a viral video tonight online of some creative parents and the way they announced to their children that they were pregnant with twins.  We have one of those videos....and I will treasure it forever. There were some very happy moments early on....and there will be again.  I will always miss him, as I do his big brother, Joshua, whom we lost almost 9 years ago.  But he is held in the best, safest, most protective Arms imaginable.  And I will see him there one day, and he will be whole and complete, with a new body and a functioning heart.

But I also want to focus on the fact that almost 4 months ago, we were given a very dire report about Bart, too, and that report has proved false.  Bart is doing great, and I'm getting so excited to meet him.  I watched a baby and his mama at BSF yesterday and took in the reality that Bart will likely be here soon....I'm so thankful to have the wonderful privilege of entering babyland again--the jerking movements, the nursing nights, the cooing and discovering and connecting, the hours of looking and being amazed and falling in love all over again.

The babies are kicking ALL the time!  (I realize that it's probably not Aaron kicking, but it does me no good to talk that way.  For as long as he's with us, I will enjoy him and remember his LIFE that is happening now.)  And I love every movement.

Tomorrow, I go for my first ultrasound in three weeks.  Will there still be blood flow?  Is there any sign of life still in Aaron, or will it be clear that he is already with Jesus?  I don't know....but I'm excited to see inside their little world again.

God is good....He has been good, He is good now, and He will remain good always.

Caringbridge - 26 weeks...heading into the 3rd trimester!

My legs are crawly (That was my granddaddy's way of describing how his legs felt at night, and Mom has passed that description down to me.), I'm tired, and my thoughts feel too jumbled to actually say much.

But my heart is full, so before going to bed tonight, I am determined to write.  At least a little bit...

Something happened today....something that dissolved me into the most grateful kind of tears.

On Wednesday mornings, I attend BSF just like so many thousands of other women across the country.  The majority of the morning time is spent first in a small group setting and second in a large lecture.  In my small group of 15-20 women is a dear sister named Pat.  A few weeks ago, Pat told me that she knits and that she wanted to knit me a baby blanket.  She then asked me what color I would prefer and gave me my options.

This morning, I walked into study, and there sat a gift bag with my TWO baby blankets in it....a green one for Aaron, and a blue one for Bart.

I lost it.

And then later, when our group was finished, and the ladies wanted to see the blankets up close....I lost it again.

You see, I would have 100% understood if Pat had only brought me one blanket....we have received other gifts for the babies, but they have come only as one outfit or one piece; after all, the reality is that a second outfit or a second set of baby shoes would likely not be used, at least not by Aaron.  I don't begrudge anyone who chooses to give a gift but also to be practical about the situation and its reality.

So, knowing all of that, Pat still spent time knitting TWO blankets, even though one of them will likely not be used often--if at all--by its intended recipient.  

I can tell you, though, as his mother, that it will be used...by me.

Those blankets represent the reality of our sons.  Two blankets made for two distinct and special baby boys.

What a gift.  It was the most beautiful and tender kind of thoughtful care, poured out on this grateful mama and her family.

Pat, you have blessed me far beyond what you probably know.  Thank you a thousand times.

More to come...maybe tomorrow.  I'm 26 weeks along...praise God!

Spittin' Image

Lots of people say she looks just like me...

 But I'm not so sure...

Those eyes!!!

Happy Littles!

Today, I told them that they are a little like twins.  Such best buds, every since their first meeting.  On Tom's birthday last week, we were discussing best friends, and they both easily said that each other was the very best.  Today's giggles were a testimony to their enjoyment of each other, and I am so grateful that they will be in school together in the fall.  One shy, one definitely not shy.  One with a big, gregarious personality, one with a (mostly) quiet, sweet personality.  

Both with the best hugs and snuggle capacity a mama could ever want.

Caringbridge - 24 weeks

Hi, everyone!  I have reached the all-important 24 weeks, and I want to thank each one of you again for the ways that you have reached out to us, prayed for us, made us laugh, taken care of our children during my many doctors appointments, brought us meals, etc.

My appointment last Friday was with the perinatologist, but for the first time, I was able to see a different peri than the one I've been seeing, and I'm not gonna lie....it was great!  Hoffbeast and I both really liked him and were so appreciative of his concern.  For example, he actually asked me, "So, how are you feeling?"  Seems like an easy question and one that a doctor would readily ask, but Dr. W just never goes there.  That's just not his way.  We have gotten to know him enough that we have accepted it, but it sure was nice to have a change.  Apparently, you just see whatever peri is on the schedule that day; since my appointments are always on Fridays, I will continue to see whatever doc is there on Friday of that particular week.  Let's hope Dr. M is there next time again.

Dr. W had explained awhile ago that at 24 weeks, the risks for this pregnancy begin to drop.  Our son, Bart, has made it now far enough that if he were to be born, he could likely survive with the help of the amazing neonatal intensive care units that are available to us.  Here in Milwaukee, we have the #4 Children's Hospital in the nation, and the hospital where I will deliver has a Level 1 NICU.  In addition, our closest hospital, in the case of an emergency, also has a Level 1, and our dear friend, Megan, is a nurse in the NICU there.

That is not to say that we are ready to meet him yet!  We are hoping that we can make it to at least 30 weeks, as that will ensure that Bart has a much better chance at not only surviving, but thriving in life.

Baby Aaron....oh, I love him.  Yes, I do.  Whenever we get to see the boys on the ultrasound screen, it is a joy.  I watched Bart move and stretch and kick, and my heart swelled.  I can't wait to meet him, to hold him, to get to kiss his little cheeks.  And then the picture moved to Aaron, and I'm telling you...my heart swelled again.  I felt such love for him, just like I had felt upon seeing Bart.  He is tiny, and he will not survive without a miracle, but for now, there is still blood flowing to his little body, and I am enjoying every moment with him.  And I can't wait to meet him, too, and to hold him and kiss his little cheeks.  It might be soon, or it might be in eternity, but it will happen....oh, I'm so thankful!

One of the risks that we are facing is that often in this kind of pregnancy, excess amniotic fluid develops.  If this should happen, I will need to have an amniocentisis every other week or so to remove fluid.  Let's just say that I would rather not have to undergo that.  So please pray that my fluid levels would stay in the normal range.  Of course, we are also watching my blood pressure, and as soon as I hit around 28 weeks, I will begin more intensive monitoring.

For those of you in Milwaukee who have babysat during my appointments, thank you!  I would like to give a special thanks to Karlin, Lisa, Lisa, and Nicole for serving us in that way, as well as to my teammates Kara, Bridget, Andrea, Cheryl, Anna, and Katharine for helping with so many around-the-house and babysitting/driving kids odds and ends.

Soon, I will be having twice-a-week appointments, so I probably need to find some other people who can watch my littles here and there...don't want to wear out our welcome with the 4 ladies I mentioned above.  ;)  If anyone else is willing (Sam, you're on the list--thank you!), please let me know.

Today, I went to Sam's Club and purchased a deep freezer (Thank you, Mom and Dad!), so once that is delivered, I can begin to stock it up with meals...that will be great!  Hopefully I won't need to be hospitalized at the previously-suggested June 19-ish date, but we will have to wait and see...I plan to ask my midwife about that one when I see her tomorrow.  Either way, it will be good to have meals frozen and ready to go for whenever they are needed.  I think a meal list will be made at some point for anyone who wants to help in that way.

Thank you again.......for everything.  We are all very grateful.

Caringbridge - 23 Weeks (and counting)

Here I am again, sitting down at my computer, trying to figure out how to answer that question I am asked again and again, "How are you doing, Sarah?"

First, let me tell you how I'm doing physically....I have gained another 6 pounds, my blood pressure is good, and Bart's heartbeat remains strong.  We will see the perinatologist tomorrow and will get our first in utero glimpse in 4 weeks.  I am hoping that Aaron is still with us, but we will wait and see.  I have been told that travel should stop at 30 weeks (June 5), and I will likely start having NSTs (Non Stress Tests) twice a week, I think, starting at 28 weeks or so.  Sleeping isn't so easy, but that's sort of to be expected.  I have a couple of great sleep nights a week, but most are spent tossing and turning a lot more than I'm used to.  I still don't enjoy my nightly shots, of course, but I'm getting through that, too...I just remind myself that I'm doing it for my family!

Now for the emotional part...I'm doing okay.  Really, I am.  Jesus is meeting my every need, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I have an amazing family, great friends who have served in countless ways already (and I know that there's more of that ahead!), a big, beautiful, welcoming house, an exciting ministry I get to be a part of...the list goes on.  I am blessed.

And in this hardship, in this reality that we are facing, I am blessed still.

We've been studying Joseph in Bible study, and it's amazing to see how his faith and trust in God was seemingly unshakable.  Hardship after hardship, suffering after suffering.....it didn't change his trust or waver his faith in the work of God.  Over and over, the text in Genesis says that "God was with [Joseph]."

And that, I'm certain, is the Truth to which we must cling--we, meaning all of us....Jeff, me, our kids....and you.  For in reality, hard times come to all of us.  For some, it will be in the realm of childbearing, for others it will be the loss of a job, for a few it will be an explosion that strikes out of nowhere.  Tragedy comes in this broken world...we weren't made for this place, after all; we were made for Another.

But through it all, He has promised never to leave or forsake His children.  So when I am afraid, I remember that His perfect love is what casts out my fear; when I am anxious, I remember that I can't add time to my life by worrying; when I am paralyzed by the unknown, I pray, thank Him for His presence, and walk on.

Our babies--both of them--are precious, both to us and to the God who made them.  What a privilege I have to be their mama and to carry them for now.  Thank you, God, for choosing me for this honor.

Intern Explosion--again!

Last year, I put up pictures of our new HLIC interns and titled it "Intern Explosion".  Here I am again, overjoyed at the fact that the Lord has raised up 13 interns who are assigned to 5 different Cru Inner City city teams....Milwaukee, Minneapolis/St. Paul, Chicago, Los Angeles, and Seattle.  Pictured with me above are all of our interns for next year (7 new and 6 returners) and our 3 intern coaches as well as Janet and Debby, the ladies I get to work with on administration of our intern program.  It was such fun to get to spend this last weekend with them at their kickoff weekend, as they were trained and sent out.  They will report to their respective cities, Lord willing, in September.  Thank you, Father, for raising up these laborers for your harvest in the city!