A Week in Photos

Clearly, I haven't been doing much talking about anything else on here except the babies.  There IS more than just babies happening in our lives, so here are some moments captured on my cell phone last week... 

Birthday dinner for me with Hoffbeast's family at our traditional dinner-with-Grandma spot...Perkins!

Being serious (Yes, this is our attempt!) and silly with Grandma Enid...

 

This photo was taken right after an impromptu concert by the kids...it was awesome.

 

Our little princess standing with her good friend, O (O is 2 months younger than Beth.), before going on with their choir to sing during our church service.  They did a great job, especially O...she's such a performer!!

 

Beth with her typical crazy hair!

 

Beth and Tom at Discovery World!

19 weeks pregnant!

Kara and me at Five Guys (We were taking a pic for our former intern, Teresa, saying hi and that we miss her....you can see my birthday-manicured hand waving at Teresa!)

For Christmas, Grandma gave the kids tickets to see some of our local Children's Theatre plays.  Beth chose to take her friend, S, with her to see Pinkalicious.  It was so pink and so fun!

Caringbridge #11

I am writing tonight from Columbus, Indiana, one of my favorite places in the whole world.  It's my dear hometown, for those of you who don't know, and I have come to be with my parents, siblings, and their families for Easter.  We haven't been home since Thanksgiving; at that time, I was pregnant, but we didn't yet know it.  A lot has  happened since I was last here.

Last Friday, I had my big mid-pregnancy anatomy ultrasound, and as they go now, it was good and bad, happy and sad.  As I told a friend today, things are very much the same as the last few times:  Bart is big and beautiful, and Aaron is tiny and beautiful.  :)

The report on Bart really could hardly be better.  The technician took pictures of his heart for about 10 minutes--I can't possibly imagine what each picture could tell them distinctively from the next, but I didn't mind...at all.  I loved looking at his strong heart beating so well and kept thinking of how hard it was working....and I praised God.  How amazing it is that he is working for two of them and yet is doing as well as he is.  If he were a singleton, and we were getting a first good glimpse at him, we couldn't have asked for a healthier-looking baby.  We are so thankful!  He weighs 10 ounces now!

The report on Aaron is good as well....if we can see things from the perspective of our all-knowing and all-loving God.  He is small; in fact, on Friday, he was smaller than before, and this was the first time that that had been the case.  There is still blood flowing to him, but it's a small amount and, again, it is evident that if he's not with Jesus already, he will be soon.  God is faithful, and we can trust His answer to our many prayers, even if we don't like the answer.

And He could still do a miracle.  He actually could.

I am doing well, overall.  I am still quite tired in the afternoons/evenings, some days more than others, but I'm definitely eating and am hungry a lot more than before.  In fact, my last appointment was the first time that I had surpassed my pre-pregnancy weight--finally!!!

Emotionally, mostly I'm good and hanging onto the truth.  Every now and then, I'm quite sad.  But does God expect anything different?  No.  He knows me intimately, and He understands my grief.

I am 20 weeks today.  20 weeks.  Halfway through a normal-length pregnancy.  The perinatologist told me that if I can get to 24 weeks, the risk for pre-term labor and/or the need for bedrest will drop significantly.  Hearing that, my OB mostly agreed but was quick to remind me that this is still a high-risk pregnancy and that he will be watching me like a hawk.  ;)  In fact, he almost guaranteed that I will be tired of seeing him by the end.  We'll see.  I'm so thankful for the great care I'm getting.

Thank you for your many continued prayers.  My due date of Aug. 15 seems so far away...I'm thankful that God knows everything that will happen in the next 20 weeks and is surprised by nothing.

Much love from Columbus, Indiana...

Caringbridge #10

Reading through the beautiful comments here tonight, it occurs to me yet again......

"This. is. happening."

This is really happening.

I remembered something tonight, and I'm thankful to God for bringing this to mind...

During the course of our dating relationship, Hoffbeast and I broke up a couple of times. The second time was even more painful than the first because, of course, by this time, I had thought that we were surely meant to be together.

I remember sitting in my room one night praying, "Surely you're not the kind of God who would dangle a carrot out in front of me, only to snatch it away at the last minute...right? You're not that kind of God!" This confident assurance on my part led me to move forward with confidence.

How foolish I was.

Here's the kind of God we serve: Faithful, Loving, All-knowing, All-powerful, Wise, Holy, Gracious, Compassionate. Those are some of His perfect attributes.

Nowhere in the list of Who He Is will you find the words Non-Carrot-Dangler. But because Faithful is there, we can trust that the carrots have purpose. And sometimes they're not actually carrots at all.

Am I making sense here?

It's how I feel now. "Surely You are not the kind of God who would fulfill my life-long (but almost entirely unspoken) dream of having twins, only to rip one of them away from me...right? You're not that kind of God."

Careful, daughter, that you don't make Me into something I'm not, promising you things that I've never actually promised.

Faithfulness. THAT is promised. Never leaving us, even in the trials. THAT is promised. Giving me what I think I want? No.....that was never promised.

I do not understand His ways. I wish His desires were the same as mine...but then again, I don't....because His are better.

So I will not cling to the carrot, this time of my boys playing together, sleeping in the same crib, and nursing side by side.

I will cling, by His grace alone, to the Truth.

Caringbridge #9

I have, admittedly, been rather bad at updating this site. I mean, you've gotten the basics, but very few details--in recent weeks, anyway. There is always so much happening in my heart, but I'm not certain that this is the place for sharing all that. As for what's happening in my body, thankfully, things seem to be pretty stable.

One of my excuses, lame as it is, for not updating more here is that....my computer died. Completely. It was an old computer given to me awhile ago by my brother-in-law (Thank you, Kevin!), and it did quite well for some time, especially considering its age. But one morning a few weeks ago, I tried to turn it on...nothing. We don't have a home computer, so I have had to wait for the Hub's laptop to make its way home from the office before I have had easy access to the internet, and often I am way too tired by evening to get my thoughts down here.

See? Did you really want all of those details?!

For my birthday last week, I got an external keyboard for my Kindle Fire...so now I don't need to wait for a computer anymore!

We are doing fine...I do so wish that I could share the names of our baby BOYS with you, but we simply haven't come to a decision yet. We are nearly certain of one of the names, but are still kicking around ideas for the other one (Mama thinks she knows both names, but Daddy isn't so sure yet.

My appointment on Friday was good...as good as can be expected at this point. I continue to be so incredibly thankful for my OBs. This appointment was with Dr. Becky, and, as usual, she took as much time as I needed to talk through any questions I had. She feels like we are at a really good place and suggested that more serious monitoring will likely not begin until 28 weeks or so (I'm at 18 now.). Could we really make it there with no more complications?! We will see...

Emotionally, I had a very weepy birthday and all of last weekend. I tend to be quite reflective on my birthday, and this year was no exception. Then, the next evening, Seth and I went to the memorial service for his art teacher who had passed away a couple of days before. Even though I had never met her, I wept through much of the service, as I both grieved and rejoiced with this dear sister's family and faced again the reality that our son will likely soon be with her in Heaven, among the great cloud of witnesses. I am honored to carry this baby in my womb, and I will rejoice in his life and grieve his loss until the day that I, too, go Home.

Multiple people have provided meals for us....I am personally so thankful for that--I rarely enjoy cooking, but certainly right now, it's often the last thing on my mind. I am hoping to go buy my new deep freezer soon, and when I do, we will gladly accept meals to stock up on, just in case I have to go on bed rest at some point or just can't get myself to prepare meals from time to time.

I will try to do better at updating. In the meantime, don't stop praying. Your prayers are holding us up as we walk this bumpy road.

Much love, Hoffbeauty (for Hoffbeast and our Happy Little Fleet)

Caringbridge #8

Oh how I wish that I could look each of you in the eye and thank you in person for your prayers and notes of encouragement.  Here, on Facebook, over email...there have been so many ways that they have come, and I am grateful for each one.

Tomorrow we have yet another ultrasound.  People ask how we are doing, and we really are doing okay, undergirded and held together by the loving hand of the Father who is using the prayers of His people to do mighty things.

Tonight, a few prayer requests...

-Pray that we can get confirmation of the babies' gender tomorrow.

-Pray that God will give us the perfect names for Aaron and Bart.

-Pray that Aaron will continue to grow only to an extent that he doesn't endanger Bart anymore.  As of now, his growth is such that we have canceled our trip to Cincinnati.  We are extremely grateful that the hard decisions that we could be faced with appear to be off the table; yet, that gratitude comes with the knowledge that we will never hold our child....that is a very difficult reality.

Tonight, there is a family at our church who is grieving the sudden loss of their mother/wife.  Laura was hospitalized on the very day that we received our painful news back in January.  Would you please pray for her family?  She has been taken off life support, and they are waiting for the end...which of course, is only the beginning.

Goodnight for now...

Created with Purpose

I’m a doodler.  If you took a look at the margins of my class notes from years past, or church bulletins, or napkins, or my journal—any number of places, really—you would see doodles.   I’m no artist, mind you, so my doodles are mostly geometric shapes or attempts at new fonts or maybe just intricate scribbles.  Sometimes once the doodle is done, it occurs to me that I didn’t have a plan when starting the doodle—it just kind of ended up taking shape over time—and sometimes it turns out to be pretty interesting (as far as doodles go).

The picture of the doodle is a microcosm of my creative structuring…I rarely have much more than a vague plan, but over time, the creative thing takes shape—paint in a room, a decorated cake, a blog post.  It’s how I’m wired.  Uniquely and creatively formed…just like my Father planned.

He, on the other hand, had a design.  And a purpose.  And since His plans cannot be thwarted, I can know that His plans for me will be completed.

Our babies have a purpose.  They were designed by our Creator with meaning, and the plans He has for them will be completed.

We are working on baby names.  Being the name nerd that I am, it is particularly important to me that these babies have names which express the heart of the Father toward them.  I look down at my pregnant belly, and it still is astounding to me that God made two babies out of one egg and put them in my womb!  I saw a set of identical twin girls today…I suppose it will be even more strange as time goes on, but as I suspected would happen, I did a double-take.  I want so badly to see Aaron and Bart walking together, holding hands, reflecting each other as in a mirror.

But it is not to be.  God could do a miracle—of course He could—but the likelihood is that His plan for little Aaron is being completed now.  Love grown even in imperfection.  Beauty born out of loss.  Purpose where the world says none exists. 

God, do your thing.  Use our child and our little family in the way you see fit.  Will you grow us, change us, make us more like you?  Cause us to ooze compassion as we see others travel through the valley of the shadow of death.  Make us more aware of the grief that accompanies this broken place, if only to join you, Jesus, even a small bit in your suffering.

And then, give us hope.  Hope that you are sovereign.  That you are good.  That you have plans we cannot see.  That you have not forgotten us or left us or forsaken us in any way.

And where we doubt, give us faith to believe what You say is true.  Where we lack, give us what we need.  And where we grieve, fill our hearts with your peace.

You are good…you are good…and your love, endureth forever.  Amen.

Caringbridge #7

Tuesday seems to be the day that I write.  You all are so kind oto pray for us so faithfully and to write such dear and sincere comments.  I am thankful.

I was talking to a friend on the phone the other day, and she asked if there was one thing that someone has done that has been especially helpful.  Yes, there have been many...

Yesterday, I received a package in the mail.  It was from a supporter whose church has a prayer shawl ministry where they knit shawls for people going through difficult things.  As they knit, they pray.  The shawl is beautiful and warm, and I am so grateful for this tangible act of love.

I found the blog of another mom who has gone through the same kind of pregnancy that we are.  Every word she wrote (which I read in practically one sitting) resonated within my heart and was very helpful as we walked the early days of this diagnosis.  In addition, our staff friends, Brad and Michelle, have also walked this road before us.  Having them in our corner is incredibly reassuring, not because their outcome was desired, but because they have been there...and they understand.

A woman I didn't previously know very well at church has taken up our cause.  She has chosen to not say, "Let me know if there's anything I can do to help," which is what most people--including me--say in crisis times.  She, instead, has been proactive in helping and in showing signs of love, prayer, and overall concern.  She has prepared a meal, organized a prayer meeting, given me her extra pre-natal vitamins, researched possible doctors for me, and in the most amazing and tangible way, she and some friends are also knitting and praying.  They are praying through Psalm 139 as they knit palm-sized hearts and ask God to knit Aaron a new heart.  Just today, she updated a FB page that she created for the prayer meeting that's happening on Wednesday, and the profile pic?  Two little red knit hearts.  Amazing.

My friend, Nicole, has made me feel cute with her MANY maternity clothes that she has loaned me.  When we talk, we don't always talk about the sad; we talk about fashion.  It's tangible.  And she made me my favorite chicken salad sandwiches for lunch one day, too.

A high school classmate with whom I am "friends" on Facebook, took the time to write and share her story.  I barely know her, but she took the time to write and share and pray and believe and encourage. 

I could keep going.  Tangible acts of love are coming at us from every angle.  To each of you who have reached out...thank you.  And even if you are simply reading and not commenting, thank you...your thoughts and prayers are appreciated more than you know.