You all are praying so fervently...it's overwhelming and amazing, and I am more grateful than I can put into words. Without dissolving into tears, anyway.
The tears have come very easily these days, but thankfully, these last few days, there has been a bit of a reprieve. I have laughed more in the last few days than in the last few weeks combined. It has felt good to laugh and be reminded of the joyful things that are all around me.
Before I tell you more about the laughter, we need to return to Friday.
Friday, these were the words of the perinatologist: "Well, it all looks about the same. No better, no worse." To which I replied, "How could it be worse?" before realizing that, actually, I knew that answer. We could have learned on Friday that Bart was failing. But no, he was doing great. ("Great" is my word, not the docs. The doctor is very clinical and says things like, "Looks like a normal 11-weeker.")
In fact, our ultrasound was rather amazing...two babies, one normal looking and the other not, kicking their little legs and playing together in the womb. It was awesome. We both understand that without a miracle, they will never play like that together outside the womb (not on Earth, anyway), so we are treasuring the glimpses into their world that we get. I think that God is gifting us with little pictures of our babies together that we can store up in our hearts to keep with us when this part of our lives is but a memory.
Similarly, I'm pretty sure that I'm feeling them kick every now and then...and even seeing my belly move. Now, I realize that that's way too early to see their kicks...but I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Just another little gift from our God who loves us and knows what we need.
So to go from the joy of seeing them in there to the grim reality of what's ahead was hard...but God was walking with us. There is a children's song written by Keith and Krysten Getty that has been my near constant companioin these last couple of weeks, and it rang through my head as I lay on the ultrasound table on Friday...
"You are the Shepherd; I belong to You.//When I walk on rough ground, you can guide me through.//You know my name, you know my voice.//Before I was born, I was Your choice.//Show me how to follow; Lord keep me close to You.//You are the Shepherd; I belong to You."
The sheep don't question the shepherd; they simply trust. When my heart is set on Him, I can choose to trust, too.
After our first appointment, we headed down the hall to my OB, eager to see Dr. Dolan, the lead doctor in my surgery eight years ago and also one of the docs who delivered Hannah. God used him to save my life when I hemorrhaged after Joshua died, and he and his team have been with us ever since. We trust them, and I was so looking forward to talking to someone who views life in the same way that we do, who knows my history, and who cares about us. (I'm kind of a special patient there...almost dying during childbirth will do that for you. I don't recommend it, but it sure gives you a great relationship with your doctors. We really love them.)
After checking my vitals, the NA said, "Dr. Dolan will be in shortly." She came back about 5 seconds later to say that he had been called downstairs to deliver a baby and that he had 2 other patients in labor as well.
I burst into tears. Again.
BUT.....thankfully, the other doctor who was with him during my two surgeries and whom we've seen every time so far in this pregnancy was in the office, and she agreed to see me. And not only that, but she stayed well past quitting time to talk with us, answer any questions she could, and just be a support. She was amazing, and when she hugged me at the end, there were tears in her eyes, too.
One of the things that made our time with Dr. Becky so good is that she understands where we are coming from. Whether or not she agrees with our position that life begins at conception, she understands that we do and completely backs us and knows that the decisions we have ahead of us are impossible ones. (I realize that I haven't explained all of that yet; it will come in time.)
Dr. Becky, while not defending our perinatologist (who, without going into detail, has been rather callous about life as he has discussed our situation with us), reminded us that many, many people wouldn't even deal with these decisions; they would just abort now. Rather than have to face the pain that is ahead, many of Dr. W's patients would go the route of terminating the pregnancy, taking away both lives and "starting over", rather than having to walk through this. Again, she wasn't defending him, but I think she was trying to get us to see where he is coming from; we are not his typical patients. In fact, when she assured him that having intrauterine surgery, one of our options, would not be an easy decision for us to make, he asked her why. So she explained our position and our faith and our ministry to him.
I'm really thankful for her. In fact, I'm kind of glad that Dr. Dolan had some babies to deliver. God's timing was good even in that; I think I needed that convo with Dr. Becky.
She encouraged us to seek out every option and every opinion that we needed to in order to feel informed, so that when the time came for the decisions to be made, we would feel ready. That was such good advice.
On Saturday, we were able to speak with a Christian perinatologist, and it was so helpful. Although our peri has been urging us to go to the Children's Hospital of Philidelphia for a consultation (Yes, that's how serious and rare this is.), Dr. Calvin confirmed what research we had been doing that was telling us that Cincinnati has a great program, too.
My parents live close, lots of our supporters are in the area, and a couple of my closest friends from school live right there. Plus, the head of the program is a pro-life perinatologist who comes with the highest of recommendations from Dr. Calvin.
Our next appointment is on Friday, Feb. 8. We will be 13 weeks then and will begin making plans for a trip to Cinci late Feb/early March.
These are the details, folks. Not every update will be so long, but I am kind of a detail girl...just am. Hopefully it helps you figure out how to pray more specifically. God is using you to keep us strong, and we are so thankful for your love and your prayers.
The tears have come very easily these days, but thankfully, these last few days, there has been a bit of a reprieve. I have laughed more in the last few days than in the last few weeks combined. It has felt good to laugh and be reminded of the joyful things that are all around me.
Before I tell you more about the laughter, we need to return to Friday.
Friday, these were the words of the perinatologist: "Well, it all looks about the same. No better, no worse." To which I replied, "How could it be worse?" before realizing that, actually, I knew that answer. We could have learned on Friday that Bart was failing. But no, he was doing great. ("Great" is my word, not the docs. The doctor is very clinical and says things like, "Looks like a normal 11-weeker.")
In fact, our ultrasound was rather amazing...two babies, one normal looking and the other not, kicking their little legs and playing together in the womb. It was awesome. We both understand that without a miracle, they will never play like that together outside the womb (not on Earth, anyway), so we are treasuring the glimpses into their world that we get. I think that God is gifting us with little pictures of our babies together that we can store up in our hearts to keep with us when this part of our lives is but a memory.
Similarly, I'm pretty sure that I'm feeling them kick every now and then...and even seeing my belly move. Now, I realize that that's way too early to see their kicks...but I'm pretty sure that's what it is. Just another little gift from our God who loves us and knows what we need.
So to go from the joy of seeing them in there to the grim reality of what's ahead was hard...but God was walking with us. There is a children's song written by Keith and Krysten Getty that has been my near constant companioin these last couple of weeks, and it rang through my head as I lay on the ultrasound table on Friday...
"You are the Shepherd; I belong to You.//When I walk on rough ground, you can guide me through.//You know my name, you know my voice.//Before I was born, I was Your choice.//Show me how to follow; Lord keep me close to You.//You are the Shepherd; I belong to You."
The sheep don't question the shepherd; they simply trust. When my heart is set on Him, I can choose to trust, too.
After our first appointment, we headed down the hall to my OB, eager to see Dr. Dolan, the lead doctor in my surgery eight years ago and also one of the docs who delivered Hannah. God used him to save my life when I hemorrhaged after Joshua died, and he and his team have been with us ever since. We trust them, and I was so looking forward to talking to someone who views life in the same way that we do, who knows my history, and who cares about us. (I'm kind of a special patient there...almost dying during childbirth will do that for you. I don't recommend it, but it sure gives you a great relationship with your doctors. We really love them.)
After checking my vitals, the NA said, "Dr. Dolan will be in shortly." She came back about 5 seconds later to say that he had been called downstairs to deliver a baby and that he had 2 other patients in labor as well.
I burst into tears. Again.
BUT.....thankfully, the other doctor who was with him during my two surgeries and whom we've seen every time so far in this pregnancy was in the office, and she agreed to see me. And not only that, but she stayed well past quitting time to talk with us, answer any questions she could, and just be a support. She was amazing, and when she hugged me at the end, there were tears in her eyes, too.
One of the things that made our time with Dr. Becky so good is that she understands where we are coming from. Whether or not she agrees with our position that life begins at conception, she understands that we do and completely backs us and knows that the decisions we have ahead of us are impossible ones. (I realize that I haven't explained all of that yet; it will come in time.)
Dr. Becky, while not defending our perinatologist (who, without going into detail, has been rather callous about life as he has discussed our situation with us), reminded us that many, many people wouldn't even deal with these decisions; they would just abort now. Rather than have to face the pain that is ahead, many of Dr. W's patients would go the route of terminating the pregnancy, taking away both lives and "starting over", rather than having to walk through this. Again, she wasn't defending him, but I think she was trying to get us to see where he is coming from; we are not his typical patients. In fact, when she assured him that having intrauterine surgery, one of our options, would not be an easy decision for us to make, he asked her why. So she explained our position and our faith and our ministry to him.
I'm really thankful for her. In fact, I'm kind of glad that Dr. Dolan had some babies to deliver. God's timing was good even in that; I think I needed that convo with Dr. Becky.
She encouraged us to seek out every option and every opinion that we needed to in order to feel informed, so that when the time came for the decisions to be made, we would feel ready. That was such good advice.
On Saturday, we were able to speak with a Christian perinatologist, and it was so helpful. Although our peri has been urging us to go to the Children's Hospital of Philidelphia for a consultation (Yes, that's how serious and rare this is.), Dr. Calvin confirmed what research we had been doing that was telling us that Cincinnati has a great program, too.
My parents live close, lots of our supporters are in the area, and a couple of my closest friends from school live right there. Plus, the head of the program is a pro-life perinatologist who comes with the highest of recommendations from Dr. Calvin.
Our next appointment is on Friday, Feb. 8. We will be 13 weeks then and will begin making plans for a trip to Cinci late Feb/early March.
These are the details, folks. Not every update will be so long, but I am kind of a detail girl...just am. Hopefully it helps you figure out how to pray more specifically. God is using you to keep us strong, and we are so thankful for your love and your prayers.
