Our Growing Happy Little Fleet

Sometimes, I can't believe I'm really pregnant.  Carrying a child inside your body is, without a doubt, one of the most amazing things a women can go through.  (Many would say it is THE most amazing thing, but I know different, thank you Neil and Tom.)  The reality that life is happening inside and, in a sense, separate from you, is astounding, miraculous, and mind-boggling.

And I am experiencing it yet again.  Amazing.  Really, really amazing.

The Hub and I spent almost a whole year hoping to be pregnant, but it wasn't happening.  Month after month, the answer was no.  God was good in His answer.

And then He said yes.

Twice.

He is still good in His answer.

As we have told people our news, some have called us crazy.  We have even looked at each other and joked, "Are we crazy?"

But no........no, we're not crazy.  We are walking with Jesus, choosing to trust that when He says that children are blessings from Him, He means it.  Choosing that HE is the One who makes and takes life, that HE knows what is best for our family, that HE has the means and ways of making His best known and providing for us in the midst.

Will I be tired?   Yes.  Does "retirement" get pushed back a little later?  Yes.  Will our resources be stretched a bit thinner?  Yes.  Will I regret one single nanosecond of holding my children in my arms?

Um........a resounding no.  No, no, no.

Two babies.  What a profound miracle!  Our babies are most likely identical.  One egg which just happened to decide to split and become two.  God is awesome.

I go back to the doctor on Thursday.  She is expecting to see one baby thriving and one baby dying.

I am expecting to see God at work.

God, the Maker and Taker, Sustainer and Life-giver, Breath and Health, Great Physician, All-knower, All-lover, and All-trustworthy One.

I'm not sure what exactly my eyes will see as I look on the ultrasound screen, but I know for a fact that I will be watching the work of a Sovereign God, the One I serve, love, and to whom I have given my life and my dreams and my future and my all.

Because I can trust Him, all is well with my soul.

New Year News

It is late.  Early, really.  The wee hours of the morning on January 2, 2013. 

2013.  How did we get here?

I'm not sure, but I'm not gonna lie about the fact that I'm fine seeing 2012 go.  It was a hard year for me personally in a lot of ways, many of which are parts of the reason that I basically became a non-blogger for the 2nd half of the year.  Rex told me today that I should quit my blog.

No, son.  This blog is here to stay.

It still is my attempt at capturing in words and pictures the life of our family.  And seeing as how the scrapbooking materials that I borrowed from my friend years ago are still sitting in the same spot they were at the beginning of 2011, I'd say that this is a way better venue for capturing family moments than that is.

I guess my friend isn't that great at scrapbooking either, huh?  ;)

For example, where else can I record, for my children and their children to read in years to come........that we are pregnant.  With twins.

Yes, I said it.  And yes, it's true.

WE'RE PREGNANT WITH TWINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We haven't told everyone yet, but seeing as how my 3 blog readers already know, I think I'm safe here.

It's an unbelievable blessing.  Two babies, precious lives formed by God inside my womb.  I can hardly believe it.

But the fact that I can barely keep any food down helps me believe it.  Oh, I've been sick.  But it's been oh. so. worth. it.

The reality is that as of last check, one of the babies ("Angel" or "Andy", depending on who you're asking) wasn't doing very well.  So we are praying fervently that God would touch him or her and continue to give life and breath.  We go back on Jan. 10 and will know for sure then.

Until that day, I am grateful to the Lord for His incredible mercy and undeserved gifts.  I am a MoT.  A Mother of Twins.  And I am blessed.

Happy 2013.........welcome, new year, and all you will bring!

A New York Minute, Part 1

It's 11 p.m. here on the east coast, and after weeks of no blogging, my mind is bursting with ideas, thoughts, memories to get down on paper.  It's quiet...Hoffbeast is sleeping, and unlike last night, the noises from the street below are almost non-existant.  It's the perfect moment to write again.

We are in NYC.  For Hoffbeast, it's only his 2nd time here.  For me, I was here last month.  It's my 7th trip, and I'm beginning to really like it here.  Mind you, four of those trips were drive ins where I was here for less than 12 hours.  Even so, I feel like I'm beginning to know my way around, and the city is becoming quite familiar.  It's an amazing place, really.

We are staying at a hotel in Queens, here for Christmas in New York, an annual donor event for HLIC.  This is our first year coming, and we are here with one other couple and about 60 of our closest new friends.  We experienced so very much in this one short day, from hearing Tim Keller speak to ministry site visits to the 9/11 Memorial to seeing the Rockettes Christmas Extravaganza.  I feel like such a privileged person....why do I get to have this life??!  God is gracious!

Our kids are being lovingly cared for by our dear friend, teammate, and loyal blog reader, Bridget.  THANK YOU, B!!!!!!  We miss them but know that they are being well cared for....we are grateful beyond words.

What was supposed to be a stream from my conscience has turned into an update on our whereabouts.  I think I'm continue the theme and leave you with some photographs from our day...

Tim Keller speaking to us with the beautiful Manhattan skyline behind him.  His devotional was, as expected, challenging, motivating, and Gospel-centered.

Our first foray into Manhattan...crossing over the East River on the Queensboro Bridge.  The new One World Trade (Freedom Tower) is seen in the distance next to the large building on the left.

Lunch was served at the HLIC-New York office.  Here, Glen introduces Pastor Andrew, one of our ministry partners in NYC.  The beautiful mural behind them was painted by Megan, one of our former Milwaukee SITC students.

A typical subway photograph, except...what do you think Hoffbeast is thinking?

The memorial waterfall pool on the footprint of the former north tower at the World Trade Center.

The north tower memorial with the lower portion of the new 1WTC behind it.

Radio City Music Hall, home of the famous Rockettes and the Christmas Extravaganza


Hoffbeast and me at Rockefeller Plaza.  The very beautiful Christmas tree had just been officially lit a few days before, and the crowd of people coming to see it was huge!  I wonder if it will be that busy all month long?!

Times Square on a Friday night

A statue of George M. Cohan, of Yankee Doodle Dandy fame, stands tall among the delightful chaos of Times Square.

The subway entry at Times Square...this station has to be one of the biggest in the city.  The underground network is fascinating and makes getting around NYC very easy!

Neil Says, First Grade Edition

"I would like to be a tiger because is it fierce.  I would hunt for other animals.  I would run in the grass and eat some meat."

"Neil

Fast, awesome, strong, smart

Brother of Beth, Rex, and Tom

Lover of sports, fish, and pets

Who feels happy when I am good, excited when I am bowling, and sad when people are hurt

Who would like to see Florida, the zoo, and my grandma

Resident of Wisconsin

 Hoffbeast"

The things you learn when your kid writes poetry!  I had no idea that he loved fish or got as excited as he does about bowling!

By the Numbers

The Bigs had their annual doctor visit yesterday, and the results are in!

Weight
Rex:  53.6 lbs.
Neil:  63.4 lbs.
Beth:  29.6 lbs.
Tom:  35.4 lbs.
Mama:  That's a secret!

Yes, let's note the very obvious...our adopted kids are tall heavyweights, while our bio kids are short lightweights. Neil pointed this out yesterday...of course we've known this for awhile, but it was funny to have him point it out.

Neil also gained a quarter inch on Rex. He finally passed his big brother up. Sure did.

The other obvious is that Beth still doesn't weigh 30 pounds. She's 4 1/2 years old.

Good news is that Rex is still actively growing on his growth curve, so all is well. And he'll probably hit a growth spurt here in...a few years.

I love that God has made them differently, just the size and shape He wants them!

Here Again

I've been here before.

Writer's block.

It certainly is not for lack of material.  I could spend all day recording the antics of my beautiful and hilarious children and still not be able to get each precious memory committed to screen.

Time definitely plays a part.  Tonight I'm giving myself permission to stay up late and blog, but this year, since school has started, that's not been much of an option for my new, disciplined-to-go-to-bed-earlier-and-get-up-earlier self.

Tonight, I'm here in Valley Forge.  I've been here before, too.  It is beautiful here, both the physical surroundings and the people with whom I'm sitting in hours-long meetings.  It's hard to believe that for months on end, this was not such a happy place nearly 250 years ago.

It wasn't then.  But it certainly is now.

Today as I sat on the porch and looked out at the fall colors painted on the scenery, there was quiet.  Space.  I read my Bible.  I read my new book.  And as I opened my journal to write, the familiar feeling came back, and I realized that it's one of the reasons that I haven't blogged in so long.

I miss her.

It's hard for me to sit in meditative silence without thinking of her.  I wonder how she is filling her days.  I wonder if they are laughing.  I wonder if we will ever reconcile. 

But for now, I wait.

And wait.

At first, I grieved.  A lot.  But in the back of my mind, I thought that probably it would get fixed somehow.  But the days turned into weeks, and the weeks have now turned into months.  I miss her.

After Hunt went to be with Jesus, I measured time by how long it had been.  "This is the first October without him.  If he were here, we'd be introducing him to leaf piles and crisp, autumn air."

She lives close, but I feel similar measurements sitting stale and sad and somber in my heart.  And I can't spend very many quiet moments without them creeping in.  "Last year at this time, we hung out and picked apples with our kids.  This year, I thought we would be making Halloween costumes together."

She didn't die.  But the separation feels somewhat like a death.

There is hope.  He's the same hope Who makes me smile when I think about Hunt.  He can restore and renew, breathing life into the dark and wounded places.  He is my hope.

But in the day to day, my heart feels sick.  What if this never gets resolved?  Memories of our friendship are all around me all the time.  And I like it that way!  But the pain stabs again and again at the memories.

Does she miss us?  Does she long for reconciliation, too?  Or has she moved on, never to look back?  I wish I knew.  I think I know, but I can't be sure.  The movement that I see (no movement at all) does not display what would be my assumption.

When I think of her, sometimes I worry.  Sometimes my mind wanders and I find myself ten minutes later just imagining their possible adventures. 

What I should be doing is praying.  God is the Healer, the Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.  He is the one who can fix the broken places, who can mend the broken hearts, who can bring hope where all hope has seemed lost.

She doesn't want Him.  And that's okay.  He is a gentleman and will not insist.  Neither will I.  But tonight I pray for a trade--that one day beauty will again reside in the place where ashes do today.

I can't do it.  It's not in me.  I have tried and failed and tried again.  And failed again.

But He can.  So by His grace, I wait some more.  And pray and trust and fail and pray and wait and trust some more.  And then I wake up tomorrow and do it again.

Soli deo gloria.  Yes, even this.

First Day!

SCHOOL is back in session, and this time, a signifant difference is felt in the Hofffamily.....

...little Beth joins big brothers, Rex and Neil, three days a week!

We are so thankful, yet again, for our kids' teachers and are looking forward to what they will learn and how they will grow this year.

Beth was super excited and didn't even cry (I didn't either, surprisingly!).  While she was standing on her tippy toes, hanging up her backpack for the first time, another mom walked past and said, "Oooh, she's so tiny!"  Yep.  Tiny but mighty, folks.  She is brave and strong and still our little princess.

Beth immediately went in and started working on a puzzle next to her new friend, K.  Mrs. H and Mrs. M are fabulous, experienced teachers, and I'm sure that Beth will do great in their class!  In fact, she's already had good reports!

Rex's teacher didn't waste any time and had the kids sitting and getting organized right away!  When I ducked in to say goodbye, she shooed me out....nicely, of course.  It was time for the mama to leave the building and let the middle schooler be.  (Yes, I said middle schooler.)

This is the best picture I could get of Rex--through the closed door!  Yep, I stood outside the door taking pictures--sure did!

How did my baby get so big??!  He's a first-grader now....WHAT??!

Neil has already gotten wonderful compliments, too...he is a kind, helpful, eager student (for the most part), and his teacher has noticed already!  We are so hoping that his enthusiasm for school continues...

I will be volunteering in the lunchroom once every other week, and I started on the first day of school.  Tom. was. so. excited to be able to see his siblings.  On our way into school, Tom turned to me and said, "I love my brothers, and I love my Beth."

So far, so good...we're off and running!  (I really can hardly believe Beth is in school, but there she is, eating her pb&j like a big girl!)