Our Cramazing May, Episode LXIV: Hotel Heathrow

When we flew through England with Neil on our way to the USA, his visa didn't allow for him to go through customs and meet his British cousins, but this time around, that was not an issue, as Indian passports are easily allowed in and out of Great Britain.  Because of this, Tom and I had the great privilege of getting to see Hoffbeast's sister and nieces at Heathrow during our layover.

 

 

I was quite exhausted already from the emotions and lack of sleep of the last few days, so I considered getting a hotel room but chose against it since we only had a few hours at the airport before needing to check in for our next plane. If I had to do it over again, I'm not sure what I would do...sleeping at Heathrow was an adventure for sure (sleeping on floor + a tired toddler + a ton of luggage to manage = not that much fun), but I was so afraid that if I went to sleep in a bed, I would be sleeping so hard that I would miss my alarm and our flight!

 

 

 

So after driving around the airport getting some fresh air and making my decision, back into the terminal we headed:  me, Tom, Aunt Jill, Cousins Pip and Lizzie. It was soooooo good to be with them even for such a short time, to see the familiar faces that had been so supportive throughout this process and to get hugs to carry with us on the last part of our journey.  I knew that the next few hours were likely to be rough, so being with family was just what I needed!

 

 

Tom was so tired, so the aunt/cousins had to wait 'til another time to really see his personality, but even so, I think they were very pleased that they'd come!  They loved him instantly...how could they not?!  

 

By the time the family left, Tom was sacked out...I love this picture Jill snapped before they left.  When they walked away, I didn't even stand up because we were finally in a comfortable position, and I knew better than to disturb my sleeping baby at that point.



 

The chairs were not comfortable, so the next few hours looked something like this:  slink down in chair so as to try to sleep without waking baby; move over to a different set of chairs that would allow us to lie prone; have random traveler take off his shoes on row of chairs right next to us and chat incessantly about his travel woes (Listen, Mister, you have no idea, so hush and let me sleep!); move back to this exact spot in an effort to avoid random guy who had begun turning into stalker guy with every sentence--and his feet smelled awful, too; finally decide to move to the floor as the chairs were impossible to sleep on.

 

Since I was moving to the floor, I decided that I might as well move to the area where I would be checking into my flight in the morning (about 4 hours from then).  It was a bit of a walk, but once I got there, I felt better--random traveler soon was replaced by a nice family from Texas who I eventually trusted enough to leave all my stuff with so I could go to the bathroom...imagine having to haul all my luggage to the bathroom!  There also happened to be these I-have-no-idea-why-they-were-there carpet squares on the ground, so I made a little bed out of them...we must have looked pathetic, as the Texas family clearly felt sorry for us.  :)  They were very kind at a time when I needed it badly...seems like they gave me a blanket for us to cover up with--I remember it being cold enough in there that I was having trouble sleeping.  Amazingly, I did end up sleeping for an hour or two, and Tom slept on and off the whole time.

 

Oh what a night!

Our Cramazing May, Episode LXIII: Saying Goodbye...and Hello!

I slept really well, during the little time that I slept. And when I woke up, suddenly, the day that I had waited for had arrived...we were leaving for home.

It was a bittersweet morning, for sure.  We had absolutely loved our time in India!  It was life changing in so many ways; obviously, meeting Tom was the most profound thing that had happened, but truthfully, watching God move in such specific and personal ways was stretching and encouraging and faith-building, and we longed to retain the lessons we had been reminded of there.

We had gained lifelong friends in the McFs.  This remains one of my very favorite pictures from our time in India...L and Tom on the morning they said goodbye to their first homeland and hello to their new one.  L was so caring with Tom, a little mama, really.  I am so thankful that they had each other during this intense two weeks of transition to life with new families...they had shared life before we knew them, and that is something that will always be special to them.

Just look at their faces...joy and security and love are written all over them!  Makes my heart melt all over again as I look into the beautiful eyes of my son from that morning!

As much as L was like a little mama, she was also very much like a big sister.  This video is so beautiful because it shows them playing together and illustrates the carefree-ness of that last morning.  In it, L is teasing Tom by telling him that there is a big monster up the stairs.  She kept saying it over and over again, and Tom eventually believed her and was quite frightened!  What are "big sisters" for, if not to scare and confuse their "little brothers"?!

DSCN4019 from Hoffbeauty on Vimeo.

Once we said our goodbyes and promised to see the McFs again, Tom and I loaded up into our cab for the drive to the airport.  The McFs would follow shortly and we would indeed see them again soon.



These are views from the cab as we were driving into the airport...it was just surreal that, after all we'd been through, we were finally leaving!

Thankfully, when we arrived at the airport, I had our printed itineraries in hand, so there was no worrying about whether or not we would be allowed in.  Tom did well...

...until he didn't.  Once inside and after waiting in several lines, he was just done.  And I couldn't really blame him.

Overall, Tom did very well, and after some time, we were finally on board our plane...I was hoping that we have an empty seat next to us, but as it was, a lucky college student got to share the row with us!  Truthfully, it couldn't have been better. He was so gracious with us as I tried to entertain Tom for the next eight hours or so.  

Tom slept a good bit of the time, so that made the trip easier, and mostly, he was all smiles.  What a joy!

 

Our Cramazing May, Episode LXII: Waiting for Hoffbeast (to tell me that they were on the plane)

New night, same drill.  The cab arrived at our hotel at 11 p.m., even earlier than the night before, just to make absolutely sure that Hoffbeast and Rex had plenty of time to get to their gate this time.  Our friendly front desk manager had made good and sure that our itineraries had been printed out this time and that they would have no problems getting into the airport...and that they had his number in case they did!

Here's what I wrote that night as I waited...

Exhausted. That's me.  Completely exhausted.  And so ready to be home.  It's been the trip of a lifetime, and meeting our precious son is worth every ounce of tired that I've got in me (and I've got quite a few ounces of tired, believe me!), but all that doesn't make me any less tired today.  In this moment.

I am staying up, waiting for confirmation that the Hub and son are getting on the plane.  I assume they will, as tonight they breezed through check-in and through security and made it to their gate 3 hours early!  They've just been hanging out there ever since.  But I'm not banking on my assumptions.  Today there was a dust storm in the area, so for all we know, their plane will be delayed.

Tom and I leave for the airport at 10:30 a.m., which is in about 9 hours.  I would love to get lots of good sleep, but who knows if I will or not.  I have a feeling that it will be fitful sleep, as I will be too nervous about missing our plane to sleep very soundly.  But the bed is calling my name right now.  One more hour, Hoffbeauty---you can make it!

The Embassy.....it was wonderful.  That's all I'm gonna say for now.  The details will have to wait.  We got Tom's visa in hand less than 2 hours after arriving!  And the things I was "worried" about never even crossed my mind once we were there.  (That's not saying much, since my mind was pretty much on autopilot after having stayed up all night.) 

We got back to the hotel at about 11:45 a.m., and I slept on and off for the next 5 hours or so.  Have I mentioned that I'm exhausted?

But as I look at my son, there is such joy, pride, love, and undying affection....praising God tonight for the gift of our Tom--and for my whole family!  Can't wait to be reunited!"

As it turns out, they were delayed.  Next, I wrote this post...

"Their flight has been delayed by 1.5 hours.  They should have time to make their connection in Brussels.  If not, I might just have to call my friend, Cindy, in Germany and have her go get them!"

They did not make their connection, and before I could finally go to sleep that night, I had to again communicate with our awesome travel agent, this time so that she could rearrange their flights home.  They had originally been booked for Brussels to Chicago; the new plan was Brussels to New York and then one more flight, this one directly home to Milwaukee.

Their travel excitement didn't end there, though. When they arrived the next day in New York, their plane would land in Newark, where they were told that their plane to Milwaukee was departing from JFK and that they were be driven there in a black car. Problem is that they only had an hour between flights, and the drive was 45 minutes.  Somewhere on the drive, Hoffbeast realized there was a good chance they would miss this flight, too, but thankfully, that plane was late in arriving, so they made it...phew!

Back in Delhi, as soon as I had rebooked their flight, I went to sleep and trusted that they would make it...I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer!

Our Cramazing May, Episode LXI: Our Last Night in India, take 2!

I woke up from my very long nap still tired, but with an incredibly grateful heart. Not only was the Embassy trip successful (such a welcome procedural process compared with the nightmare of acquiring the passport!), but my family was still in India with me to celebrate!  It was as if we had been given a little extra special night for bonus laughter and joy...both of which were easily flowing. The seven of us were just so.....joyful.  The next day, we would be boarding three separate planes to journey home, beginning with Rex and the daddy in the wee hours.  

We decided to use one of our Sheraton Club goodies that our front desk friend had given us when we had checked in....a free cake from the restaurant! So...after another amazingly yummy dinner, we had a celebration cake, complete with a Happy Birthday knife (It wasn't anyone's birthday, but we sure did have two cramazing gifts to celebrate!).

I had a scarf that I had been wanting to give to L, so after dinner, I was able to do that...we had just loved having this adventure with our new lifelong friends, and L had grown to be so special to us.  It was hard to think of saying goodbye...for real this time.  But it was time.

The last activity of the night was, of course, another night swim.  But this time, I didn't even take my camera.  I just enjoyed, took it all in, and thanked our cramazing God for His wonderful gifts.

Our Cramazing May, Episode LX: The Embassy

The Embassy.  Last stop before having all documents enabling us to take our son home.  I was exhausted, needless to say, when Scott, Karen, L, Tom, and I climbed into the cab that would take us into the part of the city where the embassies are housed.  Thankfully, even though many of the details were tucked away inside my tired brain, getting around Delhi had been Scott's domain, so I was able to rest on the drive and didn't have to think too much.  I remember very little of the drive, but eventually, we pulled up close to a building with a much-welcomed image...an American flag.

Visiting the American Embassy while you are in a foreign land is a rather amazing experience, not even including the adoption part.  Lines and lines of people waiting to be given an ear, a chance to state their case as to why they should be allowed to travel to the United States of America.  As an American citizen, an embassy is security, is belonging, is home; to others, it's a dream, a desire, a hope. What a privilege it is to be an American, to be able to travel to other countries and then to return home; an American passport should never be taken for granted.

Thanks to families who had traveled before us, I had specific instructions as to what to say when arriving at the Embassy's first checkpoint.  These words would be the "golden ticket" that would get us sent to the front of the line.

And boy, did those words work!

No cameras are allowed inside the Embassy, so I have no pictures, but indeed, the words "I-800 Adoption" ushered us into a building, past a waiting area full of people, then outside into a courtyard while appeared to be another holding area for folks who were waiting, and then, finally, into the main building.  Upon entering, we were greeted with the beautiful and welcoming pictures of President Obama and Secretary Clinton.  No matter whether or not you agree with the politics of the standing President, when you enter an American Embassy, you are on U.S. ground, and you are glad to see his face smiling down at you as if to say, "You're a citizen.  Don't worry...we've got your back, and we are here to help you."  I stood for a brief moment, looking at the flag and thinking about all we had been through that had gotten us to this point.  And then I had to move on, because our escort was walking fast!

It was during the walk through that last room that I noticed the stares....it was as if our long but fast-paced walk had awakened me, and all of a sudden, I was alert and no longer felt the exhaustion that was clearly there after a night of no sleep.  The McFs and I waited until our names were called, and the whole process was incredibly smooth.  The Embassy worker I talked to was very kind, and I distinctly remember him asking if I was pleased with the adoption process.  I was surprised by that question (as we hadn't gotten any question remotely close to that in our Ethiopia embassy experience), but I was happy to have a place to give some feedback, both positive and negative. Overall, though, it was hard to be too negative--after all, I was standing there with my son!

After the interview, Mr. Embassy told me that I could leave, get some food (no food allowed inside, so I had a hungry-and-quickly-tiring little boy), and come back in four hours.  However, as per advice from previously-traveling families, I told him that I would just wait.  The McFs had some friends in the area, so at this point, they left to meet them for lunch, assuring me that they could get another cab home and that I could take ours back to the hotel.  As predicted, about 45 minutes later, he called me up and returned Tom's passport to me, complete with visa for entry into the USA!

And this is where it gets interesting.

Like a rushing river, as soon as that visa was in my hand, I was hit with an absolutely overwhelming exhaustion.  I was so, so, so tired, and I had been carrying Tom in the Ergo at this point for 3 or 4 hours as well as trying to keep my mental faculties alert and useful.  Once I had the visa, it was as if my job was done, and so was my mind.

I walked out of the Embassy like a zombie.  I remember being almost stunned that it had happened, that I had everything in hand needed to bring my son home, that a sleepless night had resulted in a still-successful embassy appointment, that our faithful God had been so...faithful... throughout this whole cramazing experience.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to jump up and down (but had no energy), and mostly, I just really wanted to sleep.

When I got out to the street, I realized I was in trouble because I. had. absolutely. no. idea. which one of the dozens of cabs...was ours.  I remember standing there just kind of dumbfounded.  I had the visa, but I had paid almost no attention to any details on the way to the embassy.  I didn't know what our cab or our driver looked like, and I could barely remember the name of our hotel at that moment. I certainly would be no help on directions.

Thankfully, through the fog, I recalled that Scott had given me a tiny piece of paper with our cab driver's phone number on it.  I must have looked ridiculous, turning back and forth trying, with what little brain power I had, to figure out how in the world I was supposed to call this guy.  After asking some random guy if he spoke English (He didn't.), my decision was to walk over to the Indian soldier with the really big gun and ask him for help.  This man....thank you, Lord....this man took pity on me, took the piece of paper, dialed a number, and, in Hindi, presumably told our cab driver to come get me.  A couple of minutes later, a cab drove up, and as sure as I'm sitting here, I tell you that I had no idea if this was the right cab or the right driver.  The soldier motioned that I should get in, and I tell you...that was a faith stretcher!  "Okay, Lord," I reasoned, "You've gotten us this far; I can trust You to get us the rest of the way."

My driver did not speak English, so I had to assume that he knew where he was going and that he was taking me back to the hotel from which I had come, but I'll tell you, I honestly didn't know. Sitting in the back of that cab was probably the most apprehensive moment of the trip for me, and yet, I was too tired to be really scared.  I did start making a plan, though, which included jumping out at a stop light if I didn't recognize something in ten minutes (This was about 30 minutes into the trip already, and since I had dozed on the way there, I was only guessing as to how far away the hotel was from the Embassy.).  Thankfully and with great, great relief, with about two minutes left on my timer, I saw the sign for the Sheraton high in the air.  I was so happy to see that sign, and it was probably about then that I lost it (again) and burst into tears.  I can't honestly remember much, but I know that when I got in our hotel room, I literally handed Tom to Hoffbeast, said, "We got the visa, and I'm going to sleep," and did just that.  And I slept all afternoon.

Trusting the Cloud-Keeper

The sky was bright and clear.  Absolutely beautiful.  A perfect blue with just a few puffy, white clouds here and there.

We sat down for lunch, with a plan to head into town after for a day shopping on Main Street.

"Word from across the river is that a storm is coming," our server warned.

A storm?  Really?  In this sky?

We ordered, we waited for our food, and we watched...watched the sky in the west and found that "the word" was right.  First it was the cloud in the distance, then the waves whipping up the river, then the obvious wall of rain that was moving toward us.

It was coming.  And there was nothing we could do about it.

Nothing but change our plans--because there was no way we wanted to go out in that mess! Nothing but hunker down and enjoy the safety of the nice, warm, well-furnished lodge in which we found ourselves. Nothing but trust that, at some point, the storm would pass.

Nothing to do, really, but to surrender...and watch.

Hoffbeast napped that afternoon, and I went down and found my quiet spot in full view of the view...a room with a wall of windows to the west.  The storm eventually cleared, and I questioned our decision to stay.  Maybe we should have braved it...the storm hadn't lasted long, after all.

And then something caught my eye.  Another cloud.

And sure enough, it came.  A squall across the river, just like before, but this time, more furious. Snow and wind and gusts and little bits of ice, all mixed together.  It was as if the relentless sky wasn't sure what it wanted to give, but whatever it was, it was determined to give it in full force.

And then it stopped.  Remnants could be seen on the windows, on the grass, on the trees...but the storm was over.

Until it wasn't.  Because in the distance, I could see another.  Another cloud, dark and looming. Another squall coming certainly toward me. Nothing I could do.

Slowly I stood, face close enough to glass to feel the outside's icy cold.  And I saw.  I saw it.  Saw the lesson just waiting to be learned, one of the many always at my grasp if I will but watch.

I am not the render of the rains or the keeper of the clouds.

The world outside suddenly, poignantly was reflecting my life these last few months.  Dad.  The squalls have come relentlessly, one after the other, and I have been made painfully aware of how little I can do to stop them.  Ralph.  I don't have the luxury of telling the clouds to move this way or that. Uncle Jasper.  I don't get to remind the rains that, no, this isn't the right time, thank you very much. Rich.

I don't get to do those things.  I can't.  No matter how much I wish I could, I can't. I can't keep the storms from coming.

But, lest I begin to feel helpless...I'm not.  I can't do what I wish I could, but I can do something.

I can trust in the One who is my help, the One who knows the future, the One who will stop the storm one day.

My Help is found in the Triune God--in Christ who died for me, in the Holy Spirit who brings comfort, in the Father of all love who holds me tenderly as I walk through the storm.  In real life, I haven't felt warm and safe inside a lodge, unbattered by the winds.  No, I have felt very battered. And yet, He has held firm, He has never let go, He has never forgotten about me.

So my job becomes to watch, to listen, to trust, and to learn...from the One who is good, the One who sees the big picture, the One who is not surprised by the next squall stirring up across the river.  Even now, He knows what's coming.  This moment, from the exact same view, the sky outside is full of clouds and is gently touching the ground with a steady, cold mist.  There is nothing lovely about this day...not to the human eye, at least.

He is working, no doubt.  But I can't see it unless I use eyes of faith. During that lunch, as the rains subsided after pounding hard against the window, Hoffbeast and I spent a precious hour talking about how, with our mind's eye, we could see the miraculous work that God was doing through Ralph's life--and now through his death. For those sixty minutes or so, the storm didn't matter, because its effects were tempered by an even greater Effect.  During that hour, during the employment of faith eyes, my emotions held steady.

But then the storm returned.  Not just the one outside, but the one in my heart. That storm involves fear and uncertainty and anxiety and fear and...fear.

How long will it last?  How many more storms?  Who all will be affected?  What will the next storm look like?  Who else will I lose? (Let's be honest...that question lingers.) So many questions...

And then...a turn back to that wall of windows and I remember the view. Faith eyes, Hoffbeauty.  Use your faith eyes.  Employ what you know about Me.  Dig deep and remember what's true.

This post doesn't have a nicely wrapped-up ending because I'm in it right.this.very.minute.  Right now, I am afraid and asking Him to forgive me for fearing anything but Him.  Right now, I am concerned and am lifting my cares about my family up to Him, and then again...over and over.  Right now.

I am thankful that HE IS WITH ME, and even now, as I wrestle, He hasn't left.  He loves me and He knows me and He calls me by name.

April I-really-can-hardly-believe-this-keeps-happening/Please-make-it-stop

Please pray for my nephews, Richard and Ryan...the grief they are already bearing at the loss of their grandpa and their brother is immense, but now they are also grieving the loss of their dad, Rich, who died last night. In addition, Rich's sister, Renee, is in the hospital fighting for her life. Please pray as God leads...I have few words right now, but my heart is breaking again for them and for my sister, Rebekah, who has to watch her boys carry so much pain. And for my mama, too...walking with grandsons through loss is not easy once, much less this many times in such short order. Pray also for my other nephew, Noah and for my niece, Nicole...watching your brothers grieve would never be easy, but at this point, it seems almost unbearable. Also, pray for Rich's father, Dick, and other sister, Rhonda. Pray that the light of Christ would shine through somehow...

I know these are a lot of names and these are a lot of details, and if you've followed our family's story, perhaps you are wearying of the death news coming from our camp. So are we.

Thank you for your prayers. By God's grace, I will stay strong in the storm and will keep watching for the good that He is working.