My Grief Observed (by Sarah)
I’m not sure when I first read C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed, but the second time I read it was after I found out the news about our twins’ TRAP Sequence diagnosis. Lewis’s grief was raw when he wrote, and when I read it all those years later, it cut through the cloud of my grief and helped me put words to what I was feeling.
I’ve needed those words again. On January 27, my dad passed away. The call came in the morning, and the words of my sister are seered on my heart: “He’s gone, Sarah”. I heaved with emotion, but filling the sadness in the coming days was the beauty of the reality that Dad knew the Lord, that he was with Him now, and that God had used this last year of his struggle with congestive heart failure to do some major redemptive work in the heart of our family. We came together to care for my dad, and it was a beautiful thing. God answered my mom’s prayer that she would be able to care for him at home until the end, and when it was time, God took him home, we believe, in his sleep. He was still in their room in the night, but by morning, he had moved to his new heavenly room, the one that Jesus went to prepare.
The funeral was a grieving, but it was a celebration. It was a pronouncement of praise to the One who gave life here and who promised life There. It was a closure. It was a togetherness healing for those of us who remained. It actually seemed good.
I drove back to Milwaukee on Feb. 3 and attempted, for the next few days, to start to figure out life without my dad, a new normal. Four days later, the life of our family was turned upside down, this time in a much more unexpected and profound way.
My sister’s words from the phone call on the morning of Feb. 7 are seered on my heart as well: “Ralph was killed last night”. (That’s the first time I’ve typed those words, and I hate them.) My nephew, who had made some poor decisions a decade ago but begun to turn his life around in the last couple of years, was hunted down by those decisions on the night of Feb. 6 and died as a result. Back to Indiana I went, this time for a very different kind of trip.
I’m not sure when I first read C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed, but the second time I read it was after I found out the news about our twins’ TRAP Sequence diagnosis. Lewis’s grief was raw when he wrote, and when I read it all those years later, it cut through the cloud of my grief and helped me put words to what I was feeling.
I’ve needed those words again. On January 27, my dad passed away. The call came in the morning, and the words of my sister are seered on my heart: “He’s gone, Sarah”. I heaved with emotion, but filling the sadness in the coming days was the beauty of the reality that Dad knew the Lord, that he was with Him now, and that God had used this last year of his struggle with congestive heart failure to do some major redemptive work in the heart of our family. We came together to care for my dad, and it was a beautiful thing. God answered my mom’s prayer that she would be able to care for him at home until the end, and when it was time, God took him home, we believe, in his sleep. He was still in their room in the night, but by morning, he had moved to his new heavenly room, the one that Jesus went to prepare.
The funeral was a grieving, but it was a celebration. It was a pronouncement of praise to the One who gave life here and who promised life There. It was a closure. It was a togetherness healing for those of us who remained. It actually seemed good.
I drove back to Milwaukee on Feb. 3 and attempted, for the next few days, to start to figure out life without my dad, a new normal. Four days later, the life of our family was turned upside down, this time in a much more unexpected and profound way.
My sister’s words from the phone call on the morning of Feb. 7 are seered on my heart as well: “Ralph was killed last night”. (That’s the first time I’ve typed those words, and I hate them.) My nephew, who had made some poor decisions a decade ago but begun to turn his life around in the last couple of years, was hunted down by those decisions on the night of Feb. 6 and died as a result. Back to Indiana I went, this time for a very different kind of trip.
The funeral was a celebration, but it was a grieving. It was a pronouncement of praise to
the One who had wooed Ralph to Himself just last year and who had promised life everlasting.
But it was also a togetherness wounding for those of us who remained. And it did not seem
good.
But for our faithful God, our family would be despairing. Ralph had two beautiful children who adored him, and he was in the process of seeking custody of them. They will never know the strong arms of their daddy past their few young memories, and that is a pain that is almost inconsolable. But over the years and over the grief, God has been teaching us to trust Him, so with difficulty but determination, we are every day choosing, by His grace, to trust Him with the numbing pain of saying goodbye in such a short amount of time to two men we loved so much.
Ten days separated their deaths...it’s still hard for me to believe.
The best part of Ralph’s story is that despite his youthful wanderings, when he was old, he did not depart from the way he should go but rather had returned to the faith in which his mother had raised him and had made it his own. Last April, Ralph had given his life to Christ and had been baptized in front of friends, family, and the church in which he was raised. And for this, we praise God. The other wonderful part is that Ralph had SO MANY friends, and many, many people have heard the Gospel because of this young man’s death.
My family is hurting, so I ask that you don’t stop praying for us, especially my sister, Becky, and her other children, Richie, Ryan, Nicole, and Noah. Each is dealing with this loss in his/her own way, but all are hurting terribly. Ralph had a huge personality, and his loss is palpable to those who knew him well and loved him most. He had some close friends who are still reeling from the news...my prayer is that they wouldn’t put a false hope in the idea that Ralph was a good guy, but they would know the hope that is found in the fact that Ralph knew The Good Guy and had been washed clean by His blood. THAT is where true hope is found!
I am very thankful for Facebook, and I thank each one of you who has prayed and reached out to our family...your support has been needed, and I can’t thank you enough. I am way behind on thank you notes for all sorts of things —meals brought, children babysat, memorials given—please forgive me and know that my heart is one of gratitude. Here are some additional ways that I would ask you to be praying:
But for our faithful God, our family would be despairing. Ralph had two beautiful children who adored him, and he was in the process of seeking custody of them. They will never know the strong arms of their daddy past their few young memories, and that is a pain that is almost inconsolable. But over the years and over the grief, God has been teaching us to trust Him, so with difficulty but determination, we are every day choosing, by His grace, to trust Him with the numbing pain of saying goodbye in such a short amount of time to two men we loved so much.
Ten days separated their deaths...it’s still hard for me to believe.
The best part of Ralph’s story is that despite his youthful wanderings, when he was old, he did not depart from the way he should go but rather had returned to the faith in which his mother had raised him and had made it his own. Last April, Ralph had given his life to Christ and had been baptized in front of friends, family, and the church in which he was raised. And for this, we praise God. The other wonderful part is that Ralph had SO MANY friends, and many, many people have heard the Gospel because of this young man’s death.
My family is hurting, so I ask that you don’t stop praying for us, especially my sister, Becky, and her other children, Richie, Ryan, Nicole, and Noah. Each is dealing with this loss in his/her own way, but all are hurting terribly. Ralph had a huge personality, and his loss is palpable to those who knew him well and loved him most. He had some close friends who are still reeling from the news...my prayer is that they wouldn’t put a false hope in the idea that Ralph was a good guy, but they would know the hope that is found in the fact that Ralph knew The Good Guy and had been washed clean by His blood. THAT is where true hope is found!
I am very thankful for Facebook, and I thank each one of you who has prayed and reached out to our family...your support has been needed, and I can’t thank you enough. I am way behind on thank you notes for all sorts of things —meals brought, children babysat, memorials given—please forgive me and know that my heart is one of gratitude. Here are some additional ways that I would ask you to be praying:
-
My mom was barely able to process the loss of her husband when she had to turn on the
strength-in-hard-times again for her family...she did a lot of that for us while I was growing
up. Please pray for God to sustain her physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
-
Ralph’s death was an ugly one, and there in an ongoing investigation. Will you pray for justice? And pray that God would reach into really hard places and get the glory by drawing
people into a saving relationship with Him through this. He can do it, but only He can, that’s
for sure.
- Ralph’s children are Braelyn (5) and Tyler (2). Tyler won’t remember much, but Brae is missing her daddy terribly. Please pray for her little heart and that she would learn to trust God through all of this.
- Thank you...for reading and for praying and for loving us through this.
In His Grace,
Sarah (for all the Hoffmans)
