40 Days (Day 7)

We love him.  This young man we met a decade ago.  He was small and quiet and a follower.  Now he's big and quiet and coming out of his shell day by day.  Desi is a fighter--literally and figuratively.  We are proud that he has stayed out of trouble in a place where trouble is far too easy to find.  First it was basketball; now it is boxing.

Today, Desi got on an airplane for the first time, heading to his second professional fight.  He is a boxer now...crazy, scary, and amazing, the opportunity that is before him.  As often happens, he had misplaced his ID, so today he and I went to the DMV before lunch at Burger King and a drive to the boxing gym where he would work out once more before heading to the airport.

But he made it.  New Jersey-bound.  Godspeed, Desi....your "family" loves you dearly!

40 Days (Day 6)

Here's what my sister wrote yesterday:

"When I was seven years old, I prayed daily that God would bless our family with a baby. I remember saying that if it has to be a boy, I don't care....40 years ago today, my sweet sister, Sarah, came into this world. God has used her life to bless so many and bring so many to Him. I love you Hoffbeauty! Happy Birthday!!"

Pretty sweet, huh?  I am so thankful for my big sister, Becky....can't imagine life without her!  Thanks for praying for me for all those months, Bek...it feels pretty amazing and so special to have been an answer to your prayers!

40 Days (Day 5)

I loved my whole (birth)day.  But one of my very favorite parts, by far, was spending an hour alone with this beauty.  People say she's a mini-me…I only wish I had the sweet little heart that I see God developing in her.  I love the way that He has made her, and I am so, so, so privileged to be her mama!  Every day, she brings me joy…His grace to me is so evident in her.  Thank you, Lord, for the gift of my sweet Beth.

40 Days (Day 3)

It's so quiet here.

Sixteen people sleep in various rooms around me while I stop to reflect, to think, to just be still.

I love the sounds of the night.  I am trying to build the habit these days of getting up early, but the night owl in me will always be ready for a night like this, a night when we are away from home, and the demands of the household are at bay for the moment.

This weekend is our team retreat.  We have come to the Dells for a time of fellowship, refreshment, and just relaxing and laughing together.

Personally, my heart is heavy full feeling lots.  Lots of reflection...thinking about how God has graciously moved in my life over the last 40, but specifically 20, years.  A little bit of sadness....the pain of the Missing is acute in the quiet moments....how could it not be for a mama wired as I am?  And a lot of....something that I can't quite put my finger on but that looks a lot like snapping at people and crying at the drop of a hat.  There are the hormones...that's part of it.  But there's more.

It's a longing for Otherness.  It's a yearning for Joy.

I need more time for processing.  Or maybe less.  I'm not sure which.

Today, some pictures that should have gone with last night's post...me and my Rex, throughout the years...


 Rex's 5th birthday

 K5 Thanksgiving meal

 Pregnant with Beth

Christmas Conference...This was taken at the New Year's Eve bash when Rex was finally old enough to stay up!

40 Days (Day 2)

I'm not quite sure what these 40 posts will look like, but tonight's post comes as a result of the special evening I just had with my Rex.  One of the things I have hoped for as a part of my birthday celebration is for a little one-on-one time with each of my children.  Tonight, I got 20% of my wish.

In the fall of 2001, just a month after our country mourned, Hoffbeast and I rejoiced.  There was still a great deal of collective sadness, shock, disbelief, and fear, but in our little apartment, on Shadyside Drive in Louisville, there were tears of joy.

The test said yes.

We would be parents.

And 9 months later, along came the baby who has grown into an amazing 11.5-year-old boy...and who still has my heart.

So why the above picture?  Well, every mother loves watching her babies sleep, and I am no exception.  The added bonus of the Christmas lights and the peace that settles on a home the night before the Babe's birth is celebrated just makes this all the more right.

I love Christmas.  And while Jesus was the. very. best. gift of a baby ever given, my Rex is right up there.

Tonight, on our way home, I told him that I truly felt like I was the most blessed mama ever, to have been chosen to be his.  He corrected me:  "Well, Mom, don't forget about Mary..."

Okay, you're right.  She was more blessed.

But still.

When we left the play we had seen this evening and got in the car, our conversation went from zero to awesome in about 60 seconds.  One of my favorite things about Rex is his ability to communicate clearly and to connect pieces of this with pieces of that.  If you know him well, you know what I mean.  If not, you'll just have to trust me.  So tonight, without getting into all the details of the conversation, basically we were talking about how the walk of faith is one where over the days and over the years, we get to see more of the "new creation" that God has made us into move from the inside to the outside.  We change and are made new, but we are also changing and being made new.

And his question...."Mom, do you see the new man coming out in me?"  "Oh, sweetheart," I easily replied, "I see more of the new man all the time.  Every day, God is growing you.  Every day, you are becoming more of the young man He designed you to be."

It's a privilege, I tell you, to be his mama.

We held hands during the play.  Someday, sooner than I might like, he will be holding hands with some other girl.  But for now, he's all mine.  <3

I love you, Bunch.  So much.

40 Days, 40 Years

Today is the beginning of lent.

But I'm not Catholic, so what do I care?

I saw a post today, full of wisdom, that said that if it's something you should give up for lent, it's probably something you should be giving up for every other day as well.  Possibly true, also possibly a bit of an overreaction.

Then tonight, our friend, Shanice, was telling me that for lent, she's not "fasting" from something; rather, she's "feasting" on Someone.

That was exactly what I had been trying to say all day.

Feasting, not fasting.  Feasting on Him, digging into His Word, breathing His life, walking around with Him, always surrounded in His love.

True, this should be happening every day.  But I think there might be something quite good about using these days on the calendar to be specifically reminded of what He's given, what's to come, and what kinds of things might be hindering us in our walks with the Lord.

My birthday is Sunday.  This year, 40 posts in 40 days to commemorate the 40 years I've so graciously been given.....thank you, Jesus.

Where I've been and where I am...

Saturday time.  That's what I call it when I leave the house and get alone.  Alone with the Lord, alone with my thoughts, alone with a pen (or, in this case, a keyboard).

I'm out for my Saturday time.  It's happened about 3 times in the last 6 months.  And I can feel it.

So many memories NOT recorded.  So many thoughts NOT expressed.  So many feelings NOT processed.

At least not out loud.  And for a verbal processor, that can be rather painful.

A year ago, life was so different than it is now.  A year ago, Aaron and Bart shared space--and blood--in my womb.  They lived together, and I'm quite certain that even now, there are times when Bart feels Aaron's absense.

I feel it every day.

And yet....life goes on.  Time marches.  Days pass.  And I love, love, love the little one in my arms, even as the other is in Another's.  (Oh, how much safer His are than mine!)

Now, other matters hold my attention:  pain in the life of friends, joy in the lives of my children, struggles of parenting, laughter returning.  I am still a ball of emotions, often feeling sad.  Not a sad that an acquaintance would recognize...in the everyday, the sadness hides.  But rather, one that those who know me well see.  It's a sadness that remains, and, I am beginning to think might remain for quite some time...maybe even until I'm Home.  It's a sad that says that the world isn't right, that brokenness is the identity of this place in which we live.  I can either embrace it and figure out how to live anyway...or I can pretend it isn't there and let it creep up on me in ugly ways unexpected.

I am so blessed.  God has graced me with blessings untold.  Grace upon grace is my reality.  And yet, my posture in the grace is often one of grief and worship these days.  Grief for the missing, for the sad, for the loss.....and worship for the What Is that is much more solid, eternal, and everlasting than any of the misses, sadnesses, and losses of this broken place.

God is my rock, my strength, my portion.  Blessed be His name, yesterday, today, and forever.