The doctor came in with the ultrasound machine. I never looked at the screen, but turned my head to the left and alternately closed my eyes and looked at my husband and my friend. I already knew, but their faces confirmed. Death had visited my womb, and our son was gone. Whisked away to the arms of Heaven, away from fear, pain, doubt, confusion, and all the vestiges of this sin-stained world. Amidst the tears, there was grace. Grace to trust God….I remember thanking Him by faith, for this was His will for us in Christ Jesus. I didn’t have to understand it or like it or want it. I didn’t, didn’t, and didn’t, but by His grace—only by His grace— I could choose in that moment to trust. We turned to each other almost immediately, and it was as if we were thinking the same thing: Trena, our friend who had gone Home just four days before, was there and could greet him as he entered Heaven. She could take him on her lap and tell him all about us—especially lots of stories about his silly daddy whom he would have to wait to meet. To this day, that remains a beautiful picture to me…we loved Trena so much, and it was obvious that we would name him after her. We had wrestled with that third name so much during those eight months, and now we knew what it was to be….Trenard.
I look at your picture now, and I can still feel the skin on my finger against your face. I loved touching your body, holding your shell….it wasn’t you, but since it was all I had, it was wonderful…as wonderful as could be, considering the pain. I never would have called it wonderful then, because I was so sad, but from where I sit now, with only a memory…it was wonderful. Even then, by the grace of God, I had a bit of perspective. Not as much as now, mind you, but some. You were safe and would never have to live in this broken place. You were whole and would never have to be teased or deal with the crushing blows of rejection. You were healthy, and nothing and no one could hurt you.
I miss you, Hunt. You are my gift, and I can’t wait to hold you again.
1 comment:
Your faith amazes me. There are no words, only tears. Thus, every time I think "Elizabeth Sarah" it reminds me of you, and your faith, and encourages me.
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